A couple of weeks ago, I shared a little bit about my thoughts, past and present, on something I'm calling radical honesty.
Many of us have what is generally known as 'trust issues' and I am admittedly one of the many. I've been in relationships, romantic and otherwise, that have been strained, if not decimated, by dishonesty. (I've also been guilty of being 'that girl' - the one who won't cut a guy loose when she's not interested, and instead tries to give him hints to get him to go away, because she doesn't want to be mean. Many thanks to my friend Gary for setting me straight.)
Where was I? Oh yeah...trust issues. I acquired mine through the normal circuits. Knowing firsthand the damage dishonesty can do, I've avoided it for a while now. It was never a deliberate decision of mine to "be more honest" or anything like that. I just recognized how I didn't want to be and lived accordingly.
And since there was no big 'moment' that shaped my view of secrecy and white lies, I've never really thought much about how different I might be in my (lack of) permissiveness toward white lies and hidden behavior.
Let me magnify that. I hate white lies. I hate secrets. And it infuriates me when people lie to me or hide things from me - especially if they're doing it "for my own good." No thank you, I'll be the judge of that.
Does all of that mean I'm heartless and rude, saying anything that comes to mind and not accounting for anyone else's feelings? Probably not. I'm sure there are times when Dr. House might call me "CB" and I've had more than one conversation with my husband about how to be empathetic because empathy doesn't come naturally to me. In general, though, I really think a lot of what comes across as me being negative has more to do with my social awkwardness than any truth-driven abrasiveness. And here's hoping that doesn't happen too often either.
I've never been exceptionally "good" at "people." My head injury hasn't helped matters.
In looking at my recent shift, I can see that it wasn't a big stretch to go from thinking it's important to be 'more honest than most' to considering radical honesty as an approach to life and, particularly, marriage.
Part of what I want/expect/hope for my marriage is that we deliberately strengthen our bond by sharing ourselves with each other. An integral part of that, for me, is not keeping secrets. Sure, there are things about Brian that I don't necessarily 'need' to know about. I think that's true of any relationship.
But if I ask my husband questions about something, I want (and expect) straight answers. We both have access to all credit cards and bank statements, phone records, etc. I don't even hide my journal from him, and it can get pretty real in there sometimes.
I am not down with the secrecy. Not no way, not no how.
Do I practice radical honesty? No, I can't say I do. I can't say I never, ever, ever lie or mislead. But I do make an effort to be pretty close to radical.
A lot of people think it's normal to tell white lies, keep secrets, and generally mislead when it works out to their favor. What's your take?
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
11.10.2010
10.13.2010
too deep for a wednesday: radical honesty
Radical honesty. You know, never lying. About anything. Not even a little bit.
What's your reaction to that concept?
I first read about the idea of radical honesty in a marriage book. The therapist advocates radical honesty with his clients, and he says it has neve been a mistake. That's not to say it's always easy for his clients, but it never ended in divorce and always led to the couples feeling closer and that much more bonded.
To be honest, I scoffed. I had a hard time with the notion of being 100% honest, always, about everything, with Brian. Who does that? Nobody, right? You're rushing to get out the door, and your spouse asks if he/she looks ok. Yes, the answer is always yes...even if really the answer is maybe or even no. Pure honesty doesn't really matter, especially when it comes to trivial things.
And that's just the little stuff. What about the big things? What if you've been married for 25 years and have a great life, but there was that business trip you took 17 years ago that maybe wasn't all business. Is it really important that you tell your wife that you cheated on her, once, a billion years ago? Should you tell her, causing her to suffer for your regretted indescretion from long before? No. If it were me, I wouldn't want to know.
But then I thought some more. About my past, about marriage, about what my faith teaches, and about the kind of legacy I might want to leave. And I might have changed my mind about radical honesty.
I'm probably going to keep reflecting on this for a while, but I'd love to hear your thoughts today.
Update: Read part two here.
What's your reaction to that concept?
I first read about the idea of radical honesty in a marriage book. The therapist advocates radical honesty with his clients, and he says it has neve been a mistake. That's not to say it's always easy for his clients, but it never ended in divorce and always led to the couples feeling closer and that much more bonded.
To be honest, I scoffed. I had a hard time with the notion of being 100% honest, always, about everything, with Brian. Who does that? Nobody, right? You're rushing to get out the door, and your spouse asks if he/she looks ok. Yes, the answer is always yes...even if really the answer is maybe or even no. Pure honesty doesn't really matter, especially when it comes to trivial things.
And that's just the little stuff. What about the big things? What if you've been married for 25 years and have a great life, but there was that business trip you took 17 years ago that maybe wasn't all business. Is it really important that you tell your wife that you cheated on her, once, a billion years ago? Should you tell her, causing her to suffer for your regretted indescretion from long before? No. If it were me, I wouldn't want to know.
But then I thought some more. About my past, about marriage, about what my faith teaches, and about the kind of legacy I might want to leave. And I might have changed my mind about radical honesty.
I'm probably going to keep reflecting on this for a while, but I'd love to hear your thoughts today.
Update: Read part two here.
6.14.2010
This is not the story you think it is
Yes, I'm still on my marriage self-help book, but this time with a memoir twist.
Back in August an essay from the NYT circled around. You probably saw it. I did, and I was (like many other) amazed by it.
The author, Laura Munson, was informed at the beginning of one summer by her husband that he did not love her, he probably never did, and that he was moving out. He added that the kids wanted him to be happy and would understand.
In short, she didn't buy it. The essay is remarkable; the response was astounding. (Read it if you haven't yet.) She recently published the book she wrote that summer, chronicling her 'marital adventure' and how she made it.
Having my fair share of experiences witnessing marriage gone bad, I knew I wanted to read her book.
Well, I just finished reading it. I'm in that post-intense book reading stupor and I'm feeling compelled to write. To ponder here at the keyboard, and ask myself a few unanswerable questions.
Her memoir is less how-to or tell-all, and more personal journey. She writes about taking responsibility for your own happiness - not letting things beyond control determine your happiness. Throw in the 'live in the moment' catch phrase/concept and you have an idea of the gist of her journey.
But hokey as it looks in that paragraph up there, this is really can be a life-altering concept if you let it. I'm beginning to think about my own journey, and how much I might be letting non-me things determine my own, for lack of a better word, happiness. Her experience of her husband's dis-affection was one long exercise in stepping back, letting go, and keeping an eye on the big picture - on his big picture. At least that's how I read it.
Let me just say this: This is not the story you think it is is a powerful book. I'm not sure I'm ready to wrap my head around everything it offers. Usually when I finish a book, my favorite thing to do is pick out and start my next book. But when I finished this one, I sat up, set it down, and kind of stared for a minute. Walked around, tried to chew on it, and thought about nothing instead. I thought about how I might have reacted to that situation...where I might have reacted differently...what might have been my motivation to acting that way. I don't have kids, I don't have an idyllic homestead in Montana (though I would really really like one) and I don't have 15 years of marriage behind me. Would I yell and slam doors, or could I find some composure and stability? Would I shut down, or could I find patches of joy every day? Would I hit the Stoli when the family comes to visit for two weeks with raised eyebrows? Would I find ways to be productive, or would I simply have to focus on survival? Who would I look to for support and advice - is there anyone in my life, right now, who could play that role for me? (I do have the tricky-fun situation of having nearly my entire social life wrapped up in Brian's place of employ, after all.)
Fortunately, I don't have to face this situation right now. My questions don't necessarily have to be answered, in theory or in practice. I get that, and I am so grateful. But I do know what it's like to wonder how, or if, you will make it through the next week, or day, or conversation, with your life intact.
If you've ever been in that place, you might want to read Laura Munson's book. And then you might want to read it again. I know I will.
Back in August an essay from the NYT circled around. You probably saw it. I did, and I was (like many other) amazed by it.
The author, Laura Munson, was informed at the beginning of one summer by her husband that he did not love her, he probably never did, and that he was moving out. He added that the kids wanted him to be happy and would understand.
In short, she didn't buy it. The essay is remarkable; the response was astounding. (Read it if you haven't yet.) She recently published the book she wrote that summer, chronicling her 'marital adventure' and how she made it.
Having my fair share of experiences witnessing marriage gone bad, I knew I wanted to read her book.
Well, I just finished reading it. I'm in that post-intense book reading stupor and I'm feeling compelled to write. To ponder here at the keyboard, and ask myself a few unanswerable questions.
Her memoir is less how-to or tell-all, and more personal journey. She writes about taking responsibility for your own happiness - not letting things beyond control determine your happiness. Throw in the 'live in the moment' catch phrase/concept and you have an idea of the gist of her journey.
But hokey as it looks in that paragraph up there, this is really can be a life-altering concept if you let it. I'm beginning to think about my own journey, and how much I might be letting non-me things determine my own, for lack of a better word, happiness. Her experience of her husband's dis-affection was one long exercise in stepping back, letting go, and keeping an eye on the big picture - on his big picture. At least that's how I read it.
Let me just say this: This is not the story you think it is is a powerful book. I'm not sure I'm ready to wrap my head around everything it offers. Usually when I finish a book, my favorite thing to do is pick out and start my next book. But when I finished this one, I sat up, set it down, and kind of stared for a minute. Walked around, tried to chew on it, and thought about nothing instead. I thought about how I might have reacted to that situation...where I might have reacted differently...what might have been my motivation to acting that way. I don't have kids, I don't have an idyllic homestead in Montana (though I would really really like one) and I don't have 15 years of marriage behind me. Would I yell and slam doors, or could I find some composure and stability? Would I shut down, or could I find patches of joy every day? Would I hit the Stoli when the family comes to visit for two weeks with raised eyebrows? Would I find ways to be productive, or would I simply have to focus on survival? Who would I look to for support and advice - is there anyone in my life, right now, who could play that role for me? (I do have the tricky-fun situation of having nearly my entire social life wrapped up in Brian's place of employ, after all.)
Fortunately, I don't have to face this situation right now. My questions don't necessarily have to be answered, in theory or in practice. I get that, and I am so grateful. But I do know what it's like to wonder how, or if, you will make it through the next week, or day, or conversation, with your life intact.
If you've ever been in that place, you might want to read Laura Munson's book. And then you might want to read it again. I know I will.
6.01.2010
Self Help & Marriage
I have a confession to make: I love self help books.
Especially relationship books.
Oh, and domesticity books. The two topics are surprisingly related, at least for me, at this point in my life. High five to all the 'housewives' out there! But that's another thought for another day.
I've been reading self helpy books for a while now. I probably started really reading self help books in college, though if you want to get technical, I started in about the 7th grade when I started reading devotional books and magazines.
I come across the self help books, especially the relationship ones, in different ways. Some books catch my eye in the book store. Some are recommendations from friends. Some get a lot of buzz on TV or blogs.
Many of the books I've read are not memorable, because they don't tell me anything I didn't already know. And a few of the highly buzzed about and recommended books did nothing for me *cough Captivating cough-cough Love&Respect ahem* despite guarantees that they would be life-changing. There's nothing wrong with these books, they just didn't hit me where I needed to be hit, I guess.
Every now and then I come across a self help book that I find to be very helpful and worthwhile. Most of these are marriage-related - or at least relationship-oriented. The first one, though, is NOT. The title of the book is It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken. I read this when I was going through a particularly bad (read: devastating) breakup, and it was just the kick in the pants I needed to get over the guy and get on with my life. That book empowered me to take and event that could have been months or years of agony and listlessness, and turn it into a major growth period instead. Three months after the breakup, I met Brian; less than a year later, we were married. If I hadn't have read this book, I wouldn't have been ready to notice the man who became my husband. A lot of my healthy self-esteem and unwillingness to be anyone's doormat can be attributed to this book, as weird as that sounds. NOTE: This book has some attitude. It's for grown-ups. There are bad words in it. Not gratuitous profanity, but there is some. If you don't like that, don't read it.
Some of the other marriage books that I've read and thought were helpful are the classic Mars/Venus (If you haven't read it, finding a good summary would probably be enough. It is a little repetitive and probably 75-100 pages too long, although the concept is really strong if you can get past the corny metaphor.) and His Needs, Her Needs. I'd recommend these to just about anybody. Other greats include the Love Languages (also: the 5 Languages of Apology, also great...I need pretty much all of them to consider an apology an apology, hah) and Boundaries, though these two are the foundations of some 'sets' of books and are not strictly for marriage relationships (though some of the subsequent editions are).
All of the books I've mentioned so far appear pretty often on the shelves of thrift stores I frequent. The links are to Amazon pages, where they are also pretty cheap. And in case you're wondering, I am NOT an Amazon affiliate because I live in Colorado and Amazon hates Colorado.
I also recently read Sacred Influence (aimed at wives) and thought it was great, and I'm hoping to read Sacred Marriage (the precursor) next. My dear friends Dave and Angie gave us Sacred Marriage when Brian and I were engaged. I wanted us to read it together, but that never happened. I started to read it myself, but it kept bugging me that Brian wouldn't read it with me (something about grad school and internships and no mental stamina or something, mumble mutter) that I put it down. I'm over it (the being bugged, I mean) and will start reading it once I get back from an upcoming trip. It's high time.
For some reason I can no longer recall, in mid-May I went on some kind of Marriage Book Library Binge and I got a ton of marriage books from the library. I've been poking around at them for a little while, but I've only finished one so far. And it was, in my opinion, GREAT. It's called Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage. The title is a little misleading, I think, because it's not as much about using laughter to improve your marriage (I had images of lots of variations on the Have Fun! theme) as it is a marriage self-help book written with humor. And it's a really good one. In the first half, I had lightbulb moment after lightbulb moment. This is a book I plan to buy and re-read eventually, so I can make all my little notes in the margins. The second half-ish deals with specific issues that face marriages, and since a lot of these issues aren't relevant to us, I didn't glean as much from those chapters, which, I mean, is fine. They would still be helpful to people in those situations, I'm guessing.
So in short: if you're looking for a self help book, particularly a marriage or relationship book, I'm your gal :)
Do you read self help books? If so, what are some of the ones you've really liked or found to be helpful?
Especially relationship books.
Oh, and domesticity books. The two topics are surprisingly related, at least for me, at this point in my life. High five to all the 'housewives' out there! But that's another thought for another day.
I've been reading self helpy books for a while now. I probably started really reading self help books in college, though if you want to get technical, I started in about the 7th grade when I started reading devotional books and magazines.
I come across the self help books, especially the relationship ones, in different ways. Some books catch my eye in the book store. Some are recommendations from friends. Some get a lot of buzz on TV or blogs.
Many of the books I've read are not memorable, because they don't tell me anything I didn't already know. And a few of the highly buzzed about and recommended books did nothing for me *cough Captivating cough-cough Love&Respect ahem* despite guarantees that they would be life-changing. There's nothing wrong with these books, they just didn't hit me where I needed to be hit, I guess.
Every now and then I come across a self help book that I find to be very helpful and worthwhile. Most of these are marriage-related - or at least relationship-oriented. The first one, though, is NOT. The title of the book is It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken. I read this when I was going through a particularly bad (read: devastating) breakup, and it was just the kick in the pants I needed to get over the guy and get on with my life. That book empowered me to take and event that could have been months or years of agony and listlessness, and turn it into a major growth period instead. Three months after the breakup, I met Brian; less than a year later, we were married. If I hadn't have read this book, I wouldn't have been ready to notice the man who became my husband. A lot of my healthy self-esteem and unwillingness to be anyone's doormat can be attributed to this book, as weird as that sounds. NOTE: This book has some attitude. It's for grown-ups. There are bad words in it. Not gratuitous profanity, but there is some. If you don't like that, don't read it.
Some of the other marriage books that I've read and thought were helpful are the classic Mars/Venus (If you haven't read it, finding a good summary would probably be enough. It is a little repetitive and probably 75-100 pages too long, although the concept is really strong if you can get past the corny metaphor.) and His Needs, Her Needs. I'd recommend these to just about anybody. Other greats include the Love Languages (also: the 5 Languages of Apology, also great...I need pretty much all of them to consider an apology an apology, hah) and Boundaries, though these two are the foundations of some 'sets' of books and are not strictly for marriage relationships (though some of the subsequent editions are).
All of the books I've mentioned so far appear pretty often on the shelves of thrift stores I frequent. The links are to Amazon pages, where they are also pretty cheap. And in case you're wondering, I am NOT an Amazon affiliate because I live in Colorado and Amazon hates Colorado.
I also recently read Sacred Influence (aimed at wives) and thought it was great, and I'm hoping to read Sacred Marriage (the precursor) next. My dear friends Dave and Angie gave us Sacred Marriage when Brian and I were engaged. I wanted us to read it together, but that never happened. I started to read it myself, but it kept bugging me that Brian wouldn't read it with me (something about grad school and internships and no mental stamina or something, mumble mutter) that I put it down. I'm over it (the being bugged, I mean) and will start reading it once I get back from an upcoming trip. It's high time.
For some reason I can no longer recall, in mid-May I went on some kind of Marriage Book Library Binge and I got a ton of marriage books from the library. I've been poking around at them for a little while, but I've only finished one so far. And it was, in my opinion, GREAT. It's called Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage. The title is a little misleading, I think, because it's not as much about using laughter to improve your marriage (I had images of lots of variations on the Have Fun! theme) as it is a marriage self-help book written with humor. And it's a really good one. In the first half, I had lightbulb moment after lightbulb moment. This is a book I plan to buy and re-read eventually, so I can make all my little notes in the margins. The second half-ish deals with specific issues that face marriages, and since a lot of these issues aren't relevant to us, I didn't glean as much from those chapters, which, I mean, is fine. They would still be helpful to people in those situations, I'm guessing.
So in short: if you're looking for a self help book, particularly a marriage or relationship book, I'm your gal :)
Do you read self help books? If so, what are some of the ones you've really liked or found to be helpful?
3.29.2010
more on engagements
You GUYS!
I had some of the cutest stories in the comments on the engagement story post from last Friday.
Really, if you are at all interested in engagement stories, I'd recommend you go check out what some of these ladies wrote. (I'm pretty sure all the comments were from ladies.)
Have a loving day!
3.26.2010
Engagement Story
Company Girl Coffee is a fun weekly link-up at Home Sanctuary.
Lately I've been thinking about those days, so long ago, when Brian and I got together, got engaged, and got married. (All in the span of about 10 months. Yes, we are one of those couples.)
Lately I've been thinking about those days, so long ago, when Brian and I got together, got engaged, and got married. (All in the span of about 10 months. Yes, we are one of those couples.)
The year was 2007. I know. So long ago.
We get approached by what apparently is a student journalist. She says she's writing a story about campus landmarks, and would we mind posing for a picture? Ok, sure, makes sense. I worked for the school magazine and I'm pretty sure I edited that story once or twice. She takes us over to the Davie Poplar bench. (Rabbit trail: the Davie Poplar is named after one of the founders of the University, William Richardson Davie. The legend is that Mr. Davie stated that as long as this tree stands, the University will stand, but when the tree falls, the University will crumble. The Class of...52? put a cement bench under the poplar, and the bench's legend is that a couple who kisses on the bench will be together forever.)
You see where this is headed. Sorta.
So the student (her name is Anna) asks us some questions and writes some stuff in her notepad, and then she asks if she can take our picture sitting on the bench. (I might have been suspicious by now.) She walks off, and I stand up, ready to go. Brian has stalled out on the bench, still holding my hand. He's fidgety. Lingering AND fidgety.
I sit back down and ask him if something is on his mind. (VERY SUSPICIOUS!)
He proposes. It was very sweet and heartfelt and made me love him so much more, and I don't remember a word of it. He wraps up by kneeling in front of me and offering an engagement ring while asking me if I would marry him.
I say yes. (Duh.)
We are...hugging? standing? sitting? I don't remember. And those students who were playing frisbee end their game, start humming, an assemble in a semi-circle in front of us, do-wopping and bee-bopping and whatever else it is that a capella groups do. I recognize some of them. Then, from behind us, out pops BARNES! Because, you see, Barnes was in an a capella group in college! And he'd been in on the whole thing.
So they sing our song and everybody is staring, and we're SO happy and it's glorious.
So there are hugs all around, phone calls, and then it's time to get dinner. Except we're too excited to eat. And then Brian calls Dave and says everything went off without a hitch, and we're on the way over with dessert. They were in on the whole thing. Which means, Taylor did not actually injure himself at all. And, the phone call from 'Angie' was actually from Kelley. She had a script. Brian wrote her a script. He had also taken my phone, so that it would make sense that 'Angie' would be calling him and not me. Over dessert, Brian said to me, 'and you even got your chocolate.' Because at some point, I had mentioned to him that maybe chocolate should be involved in our engagement. I was probably kidding. He did it anyway. He's a smart boy.
Aside: I had one of those moments - SO excited and happy, thoughts racing about what to do or say, wanting to make sure I actually say yes, wanting to make sure I look at him and not the bling, etc. etc. Actually, I didn't really even look at my ring until we'd finished our phone calls and everything. He'd designed it with a local jeweler. I love it.
Do you have a fun engagement story? What was going through your mind when your husband proposed to you?
It's August. We'd been dating since the end of January or first of February (depending on your definition of dating) and I'd moved up to Richmond, where he was in school, that June.
Brian's sister Kelley had been planning to attend UNC-Chapel Hill (GO HEELS!) and we'd planned to help her with moving into her dorm over the weekend of the 18th. But at some point beforehand, she'd decided to attend a nursing program in (well, near) Charlotte instead. Incidentally, I'd signed a lease on the house I was renting, and my move-in date was August 15. So of course, since we didn't need to move Kelley in, I wanted us to move ME in. Makes sense, right?
Brian protested. He'd made plans for us to go to a Japanese steakhouse with his college roommate, Barnes, (we call him Barnes) and he didn't want to bail on that since they don't get many chances to see each other. Ok, whatever. I wanted to hang out with my dog anyway, since he hadn't been able to make the move to Richmond yet. So we went to Chapel Hill that Friday.
So it's Saturday now. We're going to hang out with Barnes. We had fun. Barnes is a funny guy. And who doesn't love hibachi chicken? I don't really remember what else we did that day. We had dinner plans with my (former) pastor Dave and his wife Angie, so we went back to my mom's place to get ready for that. At some point we stopped at a grocery store and picked up a chocolate peanut butter cake thingie to take. Somewhere along the way, I misplaced my cell phone - which is such a frequent occurrence that nobody bats an eye.
Brian insisted on wearing a suit for dinner. Here's the thing: when I'm over at Dave and Angie's, I usually end up rolling around on the carpet playing with their beagle. Ours is not really a 'dress up' kind of relationship. So I thought this was weird. Brian said that he had planned to talk to Dave about maybe doing our wedding (because we were planning to get married at some nebulous point in the future) and since that was a serious conversation, he wanted to wear a suit. Or something weird like that. By then I'd already learned not to ask questions because the answers tended to be odd. (Not much has changed.)
So he's in his suit, and I'm in some 'Sunday clothes' and only a little irritated by that. We're on the road. Brian's phone rings. He doesn't recognize the number and takes the call. It's Angie. Her son Taylor, who I think was 9 at the time, had injured himself on the trampoline and they needed to bail on dinner. So sorry. Hope you guys can have fun, maybe go to campus or something.
So we go to campus to scrounge up some fun. (In our dress clothes.)
We decide to park on Franklin Street, the north border of campus. We walk onto the upper quad, aka McCorkle place. It's an August afternoon in North Carolina, which can be translated in one word: muggy. Kids are milling around. Freshmen and their helicopter parents are overdressed and a little panicky. Folks are sitting on the grass, playing frisbee, shouting at friends they haven't seen in months. Not a bad place to be. I thought about how much I love that place and how much I miss it. (For those of you who don't know, the upper quad is the oldest part of campus. It's a big, sprawling quad with green grass, brick walkways, ancient oak trees and the occasional monument, all bordered by beautiful classroom buildings. They don't make campuses like they used to, that's for sure. The south edge of the upper quad is home to the Old Well, which might be the most well-known spot on campus. The north end is where Silent Sam stands, a monument erected in honor of students who left their studies to go fight in the Civil War. We had drumline practice by Silent Sam most days. Happy memories.)
We get approached by what apparently is a student journalist. She says she's writing a story about campus landmarks, and would we mind posing for a picture? Ok, sure, makes sense. I worked for the school magazine and I'm pretty sure I edited that story once or twice. She takes us over to the Davie Poplar bench. (Rabbit trail: the Davie Poplar is named after one of the founders of the University, William Richardson Davie. The legend is that Mr. Davie stated that as long as this tree stands, the University will stand, but when the tree falls, the University will crumble. The Class of...52? put a cement bench under the poplar, and the bench's legend is that a couple who kisses on the bench will be together forever.)
You see where this is headed. Sorta.
So the student (her name is Anna) asks us some questions and writes some stuff in her notepad, and then she asks if she can take our picture sitting on the bench. (I might have been suspicious by now.) She walks off, and I stand up, ready to go. Brian has stalled out on the bench, still holding my hand. He's fidgety. Lingering AND fidgety.
I sit back down and ask him if something is on his mind. (VERY SUSPICIOUS!)
He proposes. It was very sweet and heartfelt and made me love him so much more, and I don't remember a word of it. He wraps up by kneeling in front of me and offering an engagement ring while asking me if I would marry him.
I say yes. (Duh.)
We are...hugging? standing? sitting? I don't remember. And those students who were playing frisbee end their game, start humming, an assemble in a semi-circle in front of us, do-wopping and bee-bopping and whatever else it is that a capella groups do. I recognize some of them. Then, from behind us, out pops BARNES! Because, you see, Barnes was in an a capella group in college! And he'd been in on the whole thing.
So they sing our song and everybody is staring, and we're SO happy and it's glorious.
So there are hugs all around, phone calls, and then it's time to get dinner. Except we're too excited to eat. And then Brian calls Dave and says everything went off without a hitch, and we're on the way over with dessert. They were in on the whole thing. Which means, Taylor did not actually injure himself at all. And, the phone call from 'Angie' was actually from Kelley. She had a script. Brian wrote her a script. He had also taken my phone, so that it would make sense that 'Angie' would be calling him and not me. Over dessert, Brian said to me, 'and you even got your chocolate.' Because at some point, I had mentioned to him that maybe chocolate should be involved in our engagement. I was probably kidding. He did it anyway. He's a smart boy.
Aside: I had one of those moments - SO excited and happy, thoughts racing about what to do or say, wanting to make sure I actually say yes, wanting to make sure I look at him and not the bling, etc. etc. Actually, I didn't really even look at my ring until we'd finished our phone calls and everything. He'd designed it with a local jeweler. I love it.
Do you have a fun engagement story? What was going through your mind when your husband proposed to you?
11.04.2009
literary affairs
I recently finished my second novel in 4 months in which the protagonist has an affair. In both cases, the protagonist is a middle-aged woman who has been married a while and feels stale. She embarks on a new journey - goes home, gets a new job, whatever - and there, she meets someone. There's instant mutual attraction, blah blah blah. She shakes off her guilt and is madly in love with her new guy. They start to envision a future together. And THEN, he says something weird or she learns something important about her past, and she reverts back to being happy with her husband.
These books make me really angry. I shake my finger at these women and urge them not to be so carefree about tossing their marriages aside. Marriage as a commitment and a way of life and I care about my own marriage too much to be 'moved' or even entertained by a story about someone being careless with hers.
I guess you could say I'm too married.
What kinds of books do you avoid because they rile you up too much?
These books make me really angry. I shake my finger at these women and urge them not to be so carefree about tossing their marriages aside. Marriage as a commitment and a way of life and I care about my own marriage too much to be 'moved' or even entertained by a story about someone being careless with hers.
I guess you could say I'm too married.
What kinds of books do you avoid because they rile you up too much?
9.23.2009
real and true happiness
One of the things about my husband that I find most endearing is his affinity for glass-bottled Cokes. I've always been a Coke girl myself, so we were a natural fit.
Cokes usually come in 8 oz glass bottles - the 12 oz variety doesn't seem to be made anymore. Even the bottles go for 'big money' - $4 or $10 at antique shops.
So when we were shopping at the Evil Empire the other day, we were thrilled to find that there was an entire palette of 6-pack 12 oz glass bottle Cokes. We picked some up, naturally, and have been enjoying their presence in our fridge, and our tummies, all weekend.
The only real hitch with these guys is that the caps are plastic, not metal. Some would consider this great, for the same reason that any resealable cap is great. And hey, they may become our new water bottles until we can make the move to aluminum or stainless steel bottles. But really, there's something a little odd about twisting a contemporary plastic cap off an old-fashioned bottle. This certainly won't stop us from making the most of our newly acquired "happiness in a bottle!!"
And as a side note: if you're into the nostalgia that Coke brings up, I'd recommend you check out the Coca-Cola store website. They have some super rad stuff.
9.15.2009
a little marriage advice
Last night I somehow stumbled upon my new favorite blog. And as I was paging through some of the recent archives, something called out to me.
At the risk of sharing too much information, I am a newlywed (by my own standards). We haven't quite been married 2 years yet. And while I love my husband very much (VERY much! extraordinarily much! i-don't-sleep-enough-some-nights-because-i'm-caught-up-in-gazing-at-him much!) our young marriage has not exactly been pure bliss. (That's what happens when you combine two passionate people, one of whom will go to excessively great lengths to ignore every problem no matter what and the other of whom feels the obsessive compulsion to deal with every single problem no matter how minute and get it dealt with and resolved.) (You can guess who is which.)
This blog currently is nothing but a collection of marriage advice from ...folks, I don't know where they come from - friends of the blog author, I guess, solicited to fill in the holes while she's on her email. And some of the advice is hokey (always go on adventures!) but some of it is really meaningful. Which brings me (back) to something that spoke to me.
In this entry, Anna Bond writes a quote that a friend had told her: "Love your other how they need to be loved, not how you need to be loved." This is something touched on in things like Gary Chapman's the Five Love Languages and in any number of sources for good sex advice. But really, that's it right there. That's IT.
The times when I get the most angry or frustrated with Brian are those when he is not loving me the way I need to be loved. I can only assume he feels the same way when the roles are reversed. Do I know how he needs to be loved? And do I know how to show that to him? If I'm honest...no, I don't really know how he needs to be loved. And that's hard to acknowledge, or accept. I am learning, yes, but relating to him his way, and on his level, is certainly not easy right now.
When we're in the midst of conflict, doesn't come naturally, and I can't read his mind.
I could say the same for him. I get so caught up in the martyrdom of 'he KNOWS I don't like this or I need that' that I lose sight of what he needs and how I can be or do that for him. I am not responsible for his actions and inactions - only mine. And mine need to be centered around him - the same way he needs to be focused on what I need instead of what I'm not doing for him, especially when we are arguing.
Talk about a reality check and a swift kick in the pants.
At the risk of sharing too much information, I am a newlywed (by my own standards). We haven't quite been married 2 years yet. And while I love my husband very much (VERY much! extraordinarily much! i-don't-sleep-enough-some-nights-because-i'm-caught-up-in-gazing-at-him much!) our young marriage has not exactly been pure bliss. (That's what happens when you combine two passionate people, one of whom will go to excessively great lengths to ignore every problem no matter what and the other of whom feels the obsessive compulsion to deal with every single problem no matter how minute and get it dealt with and resolved.) (You can guess who is which.)
This blog currently is nothing but a collection of marriage advice from ...folks, I don't know where they come from - friends of the blog author, I guess, solicited to fill in the holes while she's on her email. And some of the advice is hokey (always go on adventures!) but some of it is really meaningful. Which brings me (back) to something that spoke to me.
In this entry, Anna Bond writes a quote that a friend had told her: "Love your other how they need to be loved, not how you need to be loved." This is something touched on in things like Gary Chapman's the Five Love Languages and in any number of sources for good sex advice. But really, that's it right there. That's IT.
The times when I get the most angry or frustrated with Brian are those when he is not loving me the way I need to be loved. I can only assume he feels the same way when the roles are reversed. Do I know how he needs to be loved? And do I know how to show that to him? If I'm honest...no, I don't really know how he needs to be loved. And that's hard to acknowledge, or accept. I am learning, yes, but relating to him his way, and on his level, is certainly not easy right now.
When we're in the midst of conflict, doesn't come naturally, and I can't read his mind.
I could say the same for him. I get so caught up in the martyrdom of 'he KNOWS I don't like this or I need that' that I lose sight of what he needs and how I can be or do that for him. I am not responsible for his actions and inactions - only mine. And mine need to be centered around him - the same way he needs to be focused on what I need instead of what I'm not doing for him, especially when we are arguing.
Talk about a reality check and a swift kick in the pants.
7.23.2009
7.17.09
Last Friday, my little brother tied the knot, and I was there to document it.
Congrats, little bro. Many happy returns.
7.01.2009
Manic Monday #174
It's been a while, and I'm behind the times. Nevertheless, here is this week's Manic Monday! Play along here.
What is the longest love relationship (partner) you have had, and if it has ended, why?
The longest relationship I've had lasted about 4 years, with the last year of it being somewhat 'undefined.' It ended because he is a jackass and I wasn't ok with it any longer. When people ask me what happened, I just say this: that our relationship was great while we were in college, but it didn't work when we started transitioning to the real world. A lot of relationships are like that. You change in college, you change when you're finding your way after college. Our changes weren't compatible. Plus, the older he got the more of a tool he became.
Incidentally, I was with that guy longer than I've been with my husband :) And I'm way happier and better off.
What is on your bedside table?
I am currently reevaluating the things I want to have on my bedside table, so this list might shrink. But with that said, my bedside table currently holds a 3-wick candle with a YUMMY smell, my iHome ipod dock/clock radio (which needs replacing because the buttons don't work most of the time, argh), a framed picture of Brian and me on our honeymoon, a framed letter he wrote me shortly after we started dating (so sweet!) and the stack of books I'm reading or hope to be reading soon. My faithful copy of the American Heritage Dictionary is hanging out there for now, too, in an effort to continue recouping the vocabulary I lost with the head injury.
How many pillows do you have on your bed? Do you make your bed every day?
I sleep with one pillow, Brian sleeps with 2. Along with those, I have 3 decorative pillows that I put on the bed most days. No shams, no major foofiness. Plain light quilt that coordinates with the sheets and pillowcases, and the sometimes-present 3 decorative ones. Love. We make the bed almost every day; a lot of times, I'll go in there to make it and Brian will already have straightened the covers! Again with the sweetness. It's so much easier to make when there's no fuss - he doesn't feel alienated, girlied-out, or overwhelmed/put off with ridiculousness, but if I feel like adding 10 seconds of effort, I can toss the pillows on top and get my cuteness fix. It works (well) for us.
What is the longest love relationship (partner) you have had, and if it has ended, why?
The longest relationship I've had lasted about 4 years, with the last year of it being somewhat 'undefined.' It ended because he is a jackass and I wasn't ok with it any longer. When people ask me what happened, I just say this: that our relationship was great while we were in college, but it didn't work when we started transitioning to the real world. A lot of relationships are like that. You change in college, you change when you're finding your way after college. Our changes weren't compatible. Plus, the older he got the more of a tool he became.
Incidentally, I was with that guy longer than I've been with my husband :) And I'm way happier and better off.
What is on your bedside table?
I am currently reevaluating the things I want to have on my bedside table, so this list might shrink. But with that said, my bedside table currently holds a 3-wick candle with a YUMMY smell, my iHome ipod dock/clock radio (which needs replacing because the buttons don't work most of the time, argh), a framed picture of Brian and me on our honeymoon, a framed letter he wrote me shortly after we started dating (so sweet!) and the stack of books I'm reading or hope to be reading soon. My faithful copy of the American Heritage Dictionary is hanging out there for now, too, in an effort to continue recouping the vocabulary I lost with the head injury.
How many pillows do you have on your bed? Do you make your bed every day?
I sleep with one pillow, Brian sleeps with 2. Along with those, I have 3 decorative pillows that I put on the bed most days. No shams, no major foofiness. Plain light quilt that coordinates with the sheets and pillowcases, and the sometimes-present 3 decorative ones. Love. We make the bed almost every day; a lot of times, I'll go in there to make it and Brian will already have straightened the covers! Again with the sweetness. It's so much easier to make when there's no fuss - he doesn't feel alienated, girlied-out, or overwhelmed/put off with ridiculousness, but if I feel like adding 10 seconds of effort, I can toss the pillows on top and get my cuteness fix. It works (well) for us.
5.27.2009
naked trench coat grocery shopping
So I just read this blurb from this WiseBread post about romance on a dime:
Naked trench coat grocery shopping.
Talk about taking dinner at home to the next level! It's pretty much up to the ladies to pull this one off for their significant others. Bare hairy man legs and dress shoes won't look anything but goofy, but sheer hose (or bare legs) and heels are something most women can pull off. If you've still got a decent lingerie collection, slip on the bustier and garter belt, put up the hair in a French twist, slap on some heels and tie up the trench coat. Then have him meet you or drive there together to pick out special items for that evening's dinner. Give a quick flash where nobody can see before you head into the store so he knows what you're doing. You can bet he'll be eager to help hunt down those necessary dinner items so you can both get home and get cooking.
All I can say is, wow. Am I repulsed, or am I inspired?
10.21.2008
bragging rights
I would just like to say that I am so proud of my husband. He's really been through the ringer the past few months, and the past week especially. A bomb went off in his face Thursday that would have sent most people to the loony bin, and he's been able to find more silver lining than gloom.
I won't go into details because I am so pissed off at TIIC that I'm seeing red, but I am very impressed with the way that he has dealt with this unpleasant situation. He's been upbeat, motivated, reasonable, and anything but 'disrespectable' in trying to figure out a solution. After having all weekend to ponder his next steps, he had about 4 hours to wield a machete through some Grade-A Presbyterian order (aka bureaucracy) and I'm encouraged to see that the administration supported him the whole way. I couldn't be happier to be his wife.
There are a few more things to tend to before everything is back on track, but I know he will come out on top. I am sure of it.
I'm so proud of you.
10.19.2008
weekendular bliss
As is usually the case for us, October has been somewhat heinous, so we decided to take some serious solace in this past weekend. We carved out 2 commitment-free days and vowed to make the best of them - a 'staycation' of sorts. And it's been glorious.
Yesterday we puttered around town doing random stuff we wanted/needed to do. Unfortch we made it to the (Lakeside) farmers market a little late and the honeycrisp apples were all gone, but we got some good ones anyway. We also picked up a very pimply awesome pumpkin from Lakeside UMC. We hit one of the new 5 Below shops and the Trader Joe's at Short Pump (note: that place is MAYHEM at lunchtime on a Saturday) and came home with some nice treats and candy for the kids. We also went out to Virginia Center Commons, which is another huge shopping complex. I picked up some Vampire teeth at the creepy halloween shop. We got some donuts from a little league baseball team. I spent an old gift card at Michael's for some yarn for a project I've been wanting to do for a while. We poked around the Barnes and Noble trying to find things to drop another gift card on, and came up with a $6 copy of Hamlet with glosses on the opposite pages of the text.
We came home, caught the UNC/UVA game (go Heels!) and I stamped around the kitchen in disappointment over the OT loss while Brian did a few more errands. I made Steak Diane for dinner - neither of us had had it before and it was great! And so easy! And because we hadn't run the dishwasher yet, we ate on china. When's the last time YOU ate on china?
Today has been another slooooow day so far. We cuddled for a long time, watched a couple movies, and the next few hours will be for 'work' - school for Brian, baking for me.
There's not much I wouldn't give to have one more day. It's been great to slow down.
10.16.2008
will you be my pen-pal?
When I was little, my best friend moved to Pennsylvania. Our parents were pretty tight, so our families kept in touch. And being young girls, we decided to be pen-pals for a while. We had the whole thing - secret codes, doodles, sparkles, whatever. I kept all my letters for a while, but they got lost in a move somewhere along the way. I still miss them.
When I went to Europe after graduating from high school, I met a guy (tall, dark, handsome, super cute, German, named Colin. Swoon.) Colin and I exchanged addresses and actually did a pretty good job of staying in touch for about a year. And then as we both got more absorbed in our own college lives, things dropped off. I know I have those notes somewhere, but I haven't seen any of them in about 5 years. Sometimes I think about trying to write him again if I ever found that address, just to see what happens.
I think I'd like to try that whole foreign pen-pal thing again. It seems like a very cool, mysterious and still child-like thing to do. How often does someone you know bust out a story about his or her pen-pal in Iceland or Ireland or Tel Aviv or Brisbane? We all know 'real mail' is super cool. But real mail from another country? Majorly super cool.
I think if I had a pen-pal, I would want that person to be from a completely different world than mine. Outside the US would be awesome. There's not a whole lot cooler, in my mind, than a hand-written letter with funny-looking postage, postcards from a small town I might not ever see, photos of a foreign back yard with who-knows-what in the distance, pressed flowers and ribbons and bookmarks. I also romanticize local maps - the non-touristy kind. And by 'romanticize' I mean 'I want them and I will frame them if you send them to me.'
In my mind, the pen-pal notion feels something akin to blogging, to an audience of one person, and much more slowly. With a twinge of nostalgia. And memories of Laura, and Colin, and all the little things I wish I could share with a stranger.
So with all that, I ask: will you be my pen-pal? (and if you are from outside the US, will you pretty please be my pen-pal?)
10.10.2008
the power hour, and i don't even mean televangelist kind either
Earlier this week I shared about the tickler file I built as a result of the time management class I took a few weeks ago.
The instructor, who is wonderful, by the way, has a blog where she periodically posts about topics related to her field of study, which is psychology (surprise) and more specifically, the application of psychology in the workplace. (How many points for that sentence?)
I came across a post about what she calls the power hour. In this, she describes a practice her friends have, which they've dubbed the power hour. Through the week, they keep track of all the stuff that needs to be done around the house - repairs, special chores, whatever. Saturday morning, they set a timer for an hour and they go around doing stuff on the list, task by task by task. When the timer goes off, they stop. Anything that didn't get done goes on the list for next weekend.
May I exclaim for a minute? This is an AWESOME idea!
It harkens to some of the FlyLady principles - especially the part about setting the timer and stopping when it goes off. And then BEING OK with the whole list not being done.
And because there are two of them puttering around doing stuff, they're getting two hours worth of work done. Who has time in their schedule to spent two hours on housework? But an hour on a weekend is something that most folks could make happen, I'd wager. And do you have any idea how much you can get done in an hour, when all you're doing in that hour is getting stuff done? It's HUGE. Note: having the time limit ensures your whole weekend isn't swallowed up by to-dos. Doesn't that spell relief?
Plus, what a great reason to procrastinate productively! It's so easy to see a need for something - a repair, a fix, a hack, whatever - and get sidetracked by it. Either you're distracted by it, trying to remember to get it done and wondering when you'll be able to make time and feeling guilty by not getting it done already, or you have to bring everything to a screeching halt and fix it immediately. Neither of these is a good option. Take three seconds, write it down, and trust yourself to take care of it in the right time. Having a list, and a set time to handle the list, is a great option.
This is a fine example of teamwork, too, for all us cohabitants. I haven't had gobs of marital experience, having been married less than a year, but I have learned by now that teamwork is a great way to approach things, especially shared things like a home. In doing so, the pressure is off of me to do everything, and it's off him too. We aren't martyrs to our roles and we support each other equally. I don't feel like I'm coming home to a second full-time job, and he doesn't feel like he has too much on his shoulders, either.
We're young. We don't have a whole lot of money. And we're both busy with semi-erratic schedules. We're just getting started in our lives together and we're figuring things out. What are some of YOUR life-hacks to take care of the odds and ends of living while you're too busy having a life?
8.24.2008
prepared for takeoff
Surprise! Another blogging hiatus! I thought about pre-dating some entries, but then I decided to focus on the task at hand. Oops.
I'm not telling you where we're going, because we do NOT want visitors.
Anyone else take a late honeymoon? Would you have preferred to have it immediately after the wedding, or did you like the wait? YOU! Comment!
7.08.2008
razor burn
I confess...I am not one of those chicks who shaves her legs fastidiously every morning. This is good for me, because it means my razors last longer, I spend less time in the shower, and I don't get bored by the same old same old routine. Because lord knows I don't like being bored by routines.
I didn't really think my husband noticed, or cared, until recently. He knows I'm not a 'girly girl' and I know that he kinda digs the whole 'camp counselor' thing. But we've traded flannel PJs for shorter, cooler sleepwear, and this is our first summer being married (and thus sharing a bed). He made a sidebar comment that included the words 'don't like' and 'scratchy' a few weeks ago when we were cuddling, which led me to go from shaving every 3 or 4 days to every 2 or 3 days.
And STILL he complains. Ok so not really, he's only said something twice EVER (the second one was last night, and included 'don't like' and 'pricklies') so I don't think it's time to jump down his throat (yet). But this leaves me to consider something.
I love my husband very much. I sense that it might be valuable to him, and thus for our relationship, if I risked the razor burn a little more often. Like, almost every day. That's seriously a big deal for me, so I'm especially happy that CVS is sporting some awesome specials on a few different razors for ladies (comment me for details!).
Either way, I'm going back to my faithful standby and cheating aide, Jergens Shave Minimizing Lotion. They say marriage is about compromise, after all.
What's the nerdiest thing YOU ever did to make your SO happy?
I didn't really think my husband noticed, or cared, until recently. He knows I'm not a 'girly girl' and I know that he kinda digs the whole 'camp counselor' thing. But we've traded flannel PJs for shorter, cooler sleepwear, and this is our first summer being married (and thus sharing a bed). He made a sidebar comment that included the words 'don't like' and 'scratchy' a few weeks ago when we were cuddling, which led me to go from shaving every 3 or 4 days to every 2 or 3 days.
And STILL he complains. Ok so not really, he's only said something twice EVER (the second one was last night, and included 'don't like' and 'pricklies') so I don't think it's time to jump down his throat (yet). But this leaves me to consider something.
I love my husband very much. I sense that it might be valuable to him, and thus for our relationship, if I risked the razor burn a little more often. Like, almost every day. That's seriously a big deal for me, so I'm especially happy that CVS is sporting some awesome specials on a few different razors for ladies (comment me for details!).
Either way, I'm going back to my faithful standby and cheating aide, Jergens Shave Minimizing Lotion. They say marriage is about compromise, after all.
What's the nerdiest thing YOU ever did to make your SO happy?
ETA: SO means significant other.
6.24.2008
one year later
I wrote all of this a year ago, the day after I saw my ex-fiance, also the day before I moved to be with my now-husband. June 8th, 2007, to be exact.
It's not really very interesting, unless you're me.
i have updates for you
adam-related....
no drama
just some real hardcore solid closure stuff
and for some reason i'm really sad now
i think the sad is more of leaving work, tho
(today was my last day)
this morning adam imed me
he wanted to have 'the closure talk'
i didn't get it at first... but eventually i did so let my guard down
it went fine, ended well
we apologized for what we did wrong last year and wished each other luck in the future, that sort of thing
(ps im getting married way sooner than he is )
not that it's a race or anything
but still
anyway
so i was all weirded out and thinky about that this morning
and then it was my last day of work
and i spent the last 2 hours sorta zoned out and thinking about everything that's happened to me since i started there
all the weird stuff that went down at work and outside of work
i was sooooo different
when i started at cai i was living at home, engaged, going to state... concussion-free
in this really tumultuous relationship
and mom and i were fighting all the time
just recently graduated
it feels soooooo far away
i don't know why i'm crying
i cried the whole last hour there and the whole way home
it's like
wow... everything is over
everything is different
i am completely removed from that whole situation
i can look back now and remember the good times
and see them as the good times...
not big fat lies, you know, or like,
bad
and i don't know why but it makes me cry
come sunday, i'm going to be in a new city, in a new state
no job... new relationship
ENTIRELY different future ahead of me than the one i had in mind 2 years ago
today feels really... big
i feel like i've really put adam away now
like, sealed the book, stuck it on the top shelf to collect dust and maybe be reopened down the road
and that's good!
but why does it make me sad
before, it felt over...
like, the road was blocked and there was no entry
now it feels like i'm on a whole different map
do you think it's normal?
i'm like, weeping and sobbing over here
it feels SO final
i feel like i'm in mourning
maybe i am
i don't know what, tho
maybe this is my real step into adulthood?
putting away my 'childhood' or youth or .. something
time to grow up
i'm not mourning adam or losing that relationship
maybe it's the process
that makes me cry
hell, maybe it's just the CHANGE
(oh...i say hell now, sometimes)
i miss brian... so much
i love him so much
i'm glad he's not here this weekend, tho... i'm glad i have a couple days to process this by myself
'mysteries of a woman's heart' or something like that
well...time to wrap it up
i'm off to see BUS
tomorrow is transition day
sunday, i move up to richmond
james joyce wrote in stream-of-consciousness - but to my knowledge, all of his work was fiction. it was crafted and labored over and polished. i admire what he was able to craft. what i might admire more, though, is if he wrote his own thoughts, and if they were as effective in communicating or teaching or exemplifying what it is when we chew the fat in our own minds.
tonight i faced a blank page. it was an eager vessel for all the ideas and emotions and untelligible feelings to congregate on my brow ridge, teleport to the back of my hands, and then sort themselves out at 93 words per minute. tomorrow, i will be changed.
It's not really very interesting, unless you're me.
i have updates for you
adam-related....
no drama
just some real hardcore solid closure stuff
and for some reason i'm really sad now
i think the sad is more of leaving work, tho
(today was my last day)
this morning adam imed me
he wanted to have 'the closure talk'
i didn't get it at first... but eventually i did so let my guard down
it went fine, ended well
we apologized for what we did wrong last year and wished each other luck in the future, that sort of thing
(ps im getting married way sooner than he is )
not that it's a race or anything
but still
anyway
so i was all weirded out and thinky about that this morning
and then it was my last day of work
and i spent the last 2 hours sorta zoned out and thinking about everything that's happened to me since i started there
all the weird stuff that went down at work and outside of work
i was sooooo different
when i started at cai i was living at home, engaged, going to state... concussion-free
in this really tumultuous relationship
and mom and i were fighting all the time
just recently graduated
it feels soooooo far away
i don't know why i'm crying
i cried the whole last hour there and the whole way home
it's like
wow... everything is over
everything is different
i am completely removed from that whole situation
i can look back now and remember the good times
and see them as the good times...
not big fat lies, you know, or like,
bad
and i don't know why but it makes me cry
come sunday, i'm going to be in a new city, in a new state
no job... new relationship
ENTIRELY different future ahead of me than the one i had in mind 2 years ago
today feels really... big
i feel like i've really put adam away now
like, sealed the book, stuck it on the top shelf to collect dust and maybe be reopened down the road
and that's good!
but why does it make me sad
before, it felt over...
like, the road was blocked and there was no entry
now it feels like i'm on a whole different map
do you think it's normal?
i'm like, weeping and sobbing over here
it feels SO final
i feel like i'm in mourning
maybe i am
i don't know what, tho
maybe this is my real step into adulthood?
putting away my 'childhood' or youth or .. something
time to grow up
i'm not mourning adam or losing that relationship
maybe it's the process
that makes me cry
hell, maybe it's just the CHANGE
(oh...i say hell now, sometimes)
i miss brian... so much
i love him so much
i'm glad he's not here this weekend, tho... i'm glad i have a couple days to process this by myself
'mysteries of a woman's heart' or something like that
well...time to wrap it up
i'm off to see BUS
tomorrow is transition day
sunday, i move up to richmond
james joyce wrote in stream-of-consciousness - but to my knowledge, all of his work was fiction. it was crafted and labored over and polished. i admire what he was able to craft. what i might admire more, though, is if he wrote his own thoughts, and if they were as effective in communicating or teaching or exemplifying what it is when we chew the fat in our own minds.
tonight i faced a blank page. it was an eager vessel for all the ideas and emotions and untelligible feelings to congregate on my brow ridge, teleport to the back of my hands, and then sort themselves out at 93 words per minute. tomorrow, i will be changed.
6.23.2008
the greatest threat to marriage
I don't think that gay marriage is as big a threat to 'real marriage' as some of my fellow Christians would make it out to be.
One of my favorite bloggers in the whole wide earth went through a hard divorce a few years ago. I remember reading one of her posts years ago, probably from around the LAST time Cali dabbled in the gay marriage finger paints. And in it, she wrote something that punctured my self-constructed evangelical bubble of 'protection' and set my opinions a-changing.
She said that the biggest threat to marriage isn't homosexuality, it's divorce.
It's not like we straight people have mastered the art of marriage, and the numbers and other cultural forces indicate that we won't, any time soon. So why are we so scared that more people want to play in our sandbox? We're all still going to get sand in our ears and our eyes and our underpants, and there will always be that weird kid who EATS the sand, and that other weird kid who poops in the sand, and most of us will try to play nicely for a while and some of us will even build magnificant castles and towns and moats. Gay, straight, plural, what-have-you, there will still be some marriages that work and lots that fail.
Why are we fighting so fiercely to 'defend' something against homosexuals, when we aren't even taking very good care of it ourselves?
As a Christian, I know the bible says something about homosexuality being bad. I also know that this is what the King James translation SAYS the bible says. I don't know what the ancient texts say, and even if I did know, I wouldn't know what kind of real meaning they had back in their day. That's to say, I DON'T KNOW what the bible says about gay relationships. I personally think there's something maybe not-quite-right about them - we're designed to procreate after all - but I do also think that creation is not perfect and that things go wrong.
Is being homosexual genetic? I don't know, but it wouldn't surprise me. Were we designed to be gay? No, probably not, but however many hundreds and thousands of years later, our genes may have landed us there. (The subtext from those two sentences is that I'm behind the intelligent design theory and don't *necessarily* think evolution is right, or wrong.)
Do I think homosexuality "wrong" for lack of a better word? Probably. Do I think it's against "God's plan" for us? Yes...but look around and note the distinct lack of Utopia. Humanity today is clearly not in line with God's plan for us. Imagine how things would be - the Garden of Eden forever. Would we even be here, or would a sinless Adam and Eve have sufficed? Things change. We're on plan b now, or maybe plan c. As such, the original plan and our physical reality today are different. I don't know how homosexuality plays into this worldview yet. This is all purely my opinions (and lack of them) and not a political stance.
Do I think gay marriage is something the government needs to have its nose in? NO. I don't think ANY marriage is something the government should have its nose in. I don't think the personal lives of citizens is something the government should be worried about. Give me an army, some roads, a mail service, a justice system, and a few other critical things, and then leave me alone. I haven't figured out how to let my true political opinions inform my pragmatic stance on anything.
Lots of people seem to think that it's appropriate to enforce their own opinions into law. This is true across the board, and not just in the' right wing conservative' groups that people are so fond of bashing. I don't think lawmaking should be about opinion - it should be about safety and protecting the citizenry, and that's pretty much it. Just being 'not ok' with something doesn't give me the right to demand that it be criminalized; simiarly, liking or agreeing with something shouldn't give me free reign to make it a requirement of everyone.
One of my favorite bloggers in the whole wide earth went through a hard divorce a few years ago. I remember reading one of her posts years ago, probably from around the LAST time Cali dabbled in the gay marriage finger paints. And in it, she wrote something that punctured my self-constructed evangelical bubble of 'protection' and set my opinions a-changing.
She said that the biggest threat to marriage isn't homosexuality, it's divorce.
It's not like we straight people have mastered the art of marriage, and the numbers and other cultural forces indicate that we won't, any time soon. So why are we so scared that more people want to play in our sandbox? We're all still going to get sand in our ears and our eyes and our underpants, and there will always be that weird kid who EATS the sand, and that other weird kid who poops in the sand, and most of us will try to play nicely for a while and some of us will even build magnificant castles and towns and moats. Gay, straight, plural, what-have-you, there will still be some marriages that work and lots that fail.
Why are we fighting so fiercely to 'defend' something against homosexuals, when we aren't even taking very good care of it ourselves?
As a Christian, I know the bible says something about homosexuality being bad. I also know that this is what the King James translation SAYS the bible says. I don't know what the ancient texts say, and even if I did know, I wouldn't know what kind of real meaning they had back in their day. That's to say, I DON'T KNOW what the bible says about gay relationships. I personally think there's something maybe not-quite-right about them - we're designed to procreate after all - but I do also think that creation is not perfect and that things go wrong.
Is being homosexual genetic? I don't know, but it wouldn't surprise me. Were we designed to be gay? No, probably not, but however many hundreds and thousands of years later, our genes may have landed us there. (The subtext from those two sentences is that I'm behind the intelligent design theory and don't *necessarily* think evolution is right, or wrong.)
Do I think homosexuality "wrong" for lack of a better word? Probably. Do I think it's against "God's plan" for us? Yes...but look around and note the distinct lack of Utopia. Humanity today is clearly not in line with God's plan for us. Imagine how things would be - the Garden of Eden forever. Would we even be here, or would a sinless Adam and Eve have sufficed? Things change. We're on plan b now, or maybe plan c. As such, the original plan and our physical reality today are different. I don't know how homosexuality plays into this worldview yet. This is all purely my opinions (and lack of them) and not a political stance.
Do I think gay marriage is something the government needs to have its nose in? NO. I don't think ANY marriage is something the government should have its nose in. I don't think the personal lives of citizens is something the government should be worried about. Give me an army, some roads, a mail service, a justice system, and a few other critical things, and then leave me alone. I haven't figured out how to let my true political opinions inform my pragmatic stance on anything.
Lots of people seem to think that it's appropriate to enforce their own opinions into law. This is true across the board, and not just in the' right wing conservative' groups that people are so fond of bashing. I don't think lawmaking should be about opinion - it should be about safety and protecting the citizenry, and that's pretty much it. Just being 'not ok' with something doesn't give me the right to demand that it be criminalized; simiarly, liking or agreeing with something shouldn't give me free reign to make it a requirement of everyone.
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