babies Rn't us

My husband and I want to start a family, but not any time soon. (My new employer is not saddened by this fact.) He's still in school and we might have some big changes on the horizon. The timing isn't right. And gosh darn it, we're newlyweds! Good thing our families aren't rushing us....altho I'm sure they'd be thrilled...or at least most of them would be. I'm not sure my dad is quite ready to be a grandpa yet, not that that would hold him back any...


We employ a preventative method or two, and I try to keep aware of the calendar, so I'm not too worried. Nothing is 100% effective, though, so I'm prone to being a little bit anxious from time to time. Especially now. We are not in a good place for kids, not yet.


I, personally, have always been afraid of having a baby. Part of the reason I embraced abstinence before married was because I was dead terrified of ever having to tell my family I was having a baby. Terrified.


In the environment I grew up in, unwed mothers were derelects, caused shame for their families, deserved to be criticized and their families should grieve. Girls in my church who got pregnant were supported, once they 'confessed' to the church body. They would stand up, usually with their families and close friends, say what was going on, say their plans, and we as a church would commit to supporting them. A lot of people in the church didn't like this. Some people thought we were TOO supportive.


By the time I'd developed a mind of my own and didn't necessarily buy into the whole 'don't have sex because God says so' mandates all around me, I was old enough to appreciate the smarts of not having sex until I was in a position to be able to handle it. IE, married, husband working, enough money for me to stay at home, stable life. So I waited. And that was smart. And I'm proud of myself for waiting.


I know the vast majority of people wouldn't, and don't, make the same decision. I hope my kids will. I haven't quite figured out how to teach them this, and I don't plan on raising kids in an aggressively evangelical environment. I don't want my kids to be taught that modern science is out to get them, that the world is a dangerous place, and that we need to be constantly on the defensive. The messages really hit home with me...but I wasn't your average kid. I took everything to heart and believed it fervently. I'm old enough now to recognize the wisdom in what I was taught, but not respect the method in which it was delivered.


Having a healthy skepticism is good. Avoiding things that are dangerous and destructive is good. Living as the best you can be is good. Knowing who you are and why you are that way is good. Avoiding the pain and drama that sex brings is good. It was perhaps the best decision I ever made.


But writing off heaps of modern science is ridiculous - It took me getting to IB Higher Level Chem in high school to acknowledge that acid rain can and does exist. Vowing to exclude myself from the mainstream because 'drugs and alcohol were everywhere, and that's bad' led me to being judgmental and solitary, and relatively friendless, with huge misgivings about peers who didn't necessarily deserve that. Studying the Bible and learning about my faith and trying to find practical applications was a very good thing - and it helps when people ask you about your faith and you can respond and discuss it without being too theological or doctrinal or dogmatic - but approaching the world as a scary, harmful place that you need to defend yourself from is NOT a good way to live. You're operating out of criticism, judgment, and ignorance, instead of out of acceptance and love.


Growing up, I was taught to embrace what was right, and reject what was not. I wasn't taught how to filter this modus operandi. I never learned to coexist peacefully with my surroundings. I spent so much time judging and condemning and protecting myself that I missed out on a lot of fantastic opportunities to reach OUT with God's love and embrace people, real people, average people.


I was taught that there is always a right and always a wrong and that the Bible is definitive. Now, don't get me wrong. I love the Bible. And it's pretty definitive about some things. But a lot of things are not quite as black-and-white as some folks had me believe. I do believe in absolutes, in truth, in right and wrong. I am not a relativist by any stretch. I am very comfortable with rules and standards and merit. More recently, though, I'm about using my own head.


Not everything is black and white. There's more than one way to make a pie. There's more than one way to wash dishes. And there's more than one way to make a family.

I've been reading this blog on Glamour Magazine's website. I know...Glamour isn't really my scene ... but this particular blog has really captured my attention. It's written by a woman who found herself pregnant at 26. The dad was her boyfriend, and they were committed, but not THAT committed. And he was not interested in being a part of what she calls 'Team Baby.' So she informed her parents and then moved home for a little while to get her new life together. Her folks seemed to get on board pretty fast (and actually were quite unhappy when she got her own place a couple months before the baby was born) and she has a really supportive network of family and friends.

She seems like a pretty tough cookie. She's had a lot of criticism and no shortage of hard times. But she's determined to be the best she can, and she doesn't seem to have succumbed to victimizing herself and agonizing (too much) about her situation. She's up front about saying she was stupid for not using a condom. Now she's making a good life for herself and her son. She's happy now, and I say, good for her.


Her circumstance isn't ideal. It's not what she envisioned. She doesn't have the husband she thought she'd have by now and she doesn't party it up in the City, either. But she loves her son, and she loves having him in her life. She made a mistake. A big one. It changed her life forever, and will always impact her son's life as well. So...what then? Does she deserve to be condemned? Should she be criticized and judged and rejected? Is she wrong?


What about me? Would I be wrong for having a baby now? Because even though I'm married now, it would be disastrous. Suddenly, because I have a husband and a wedding band, it would be deemed acceptable in the eyes of God...and God's people.... Even tho the kid would spend the first part of its life in a low-income home with me shipping it off to daycare because I had to work and Brian would be troubled either because he would be finishing his last year of school and thus not working to support his new family, or he'd be prolonging his education for the sake of working - a scenario that we both know would not be conducive to good mental health for either of us. But because we're married, baby = fantastic news and celebration?


To be honest, I'm scared of having kids. I'm scared of the responsibility, of the time commitment, of the distinct lack of sleep-in mornings. I'm scared of the money-sucking aspect. I'm scared of tantrums and choking and SIDS. I'm scared of the heartache. I'm scared I won't be able to keep up. I'm scared of being invisible.

In other words, I am not in the position to have a kid. But folks who criticize unwed mothers, babies out of wedlock, blah blah blah, wouldn't bat an eye at me. Even when a lot of these women are in much better positions to care for a child than I am. But because I say a vow in a church that I'll love my husband forever, I am passed over by the critics?

We, as Christians, should be showing God's LOVE, not speaking judgment on his behalf. Having a baby when you aren't ready is SCARY, husband or not. What better time is there to swoop in and show compassion and love? Why do so many Christians get it so wrong?

I could go on forever...oh wait, I'm already halfway there! Many props to anyone who read this far...you are the true trekkers. Either that, or you are THAT BORED. Either way, high fives! I have a feeling this won't be my last musings on the subjects of 'good families' and 'Christians who screw it up.' No shortage of opinions here!!

the bucket list!

So my dear sweet husband surprised me tonight with a DATE NIGHT...on a Tuesday! Who ever heard of that??? He cooked dinner while I tried to get some work done, and then told me to get dressed in ANYTHING I wanted. (Being someone who thrives on direction, this was NOT my idea of helpful...which I'm sure is part of why he did it that way!)

So I changed from my black silk work skirt into a dark denim one, and threw on my trusty but falling-apart birks (HELLO Germany I would like to come see you now and buy more of your awesome shoes!), and off we went. To the Byrd Theatre. To see the Bucket List! I even got special Byrd popcorn...mmmm.

Good movie. I recommend it. That's the extent of my review. It's the kind of movie that you can see with your inlaws and not feel awkward and also have good conversations about later. I may or may not have cried, along with most other female people in the theater, and I didn't have tissues. Brian may have offered me a crumpled up napkin with butter all over it.

I called it used. He called it scented.

in which we bore you to tears

I thought it might help kick-start the motivation to make sporadic public declarations of my progress in settling into the house and simultaneously preparing for our next move, whenever/wherever that may be.

Last month I got rid of a lot of things - about two plastic bins worth of stuff, and a crap-ton of plain old trash (and recycling). I still have half of one bin that nobody seems to want, so it'll be making its way to the thrift stores...eventually...

The one room in the house that I can consistently keep up is the bathroom. Honestly it's just too small and used too frequently to allow it to get out of control. Being forced to cut back on all my 'bathroom stuff' has been really good for me, though, seeing as I've long been one to collect lotions and gels and goops of all sorts. It's easy to say no, now. (For the record, soap is most likely to get used, and I love special soaps! Lotions, on the other hand, have a sad sad history with me.) Because this room is so small, it's not intimidating. I can handle it. And it never gets messy enough to get scary. The only time I spend more than about 6 minutes cleaning the bathroom is when I'm scrubbing the tub.

A couple of rooms are in ok shape and aren't ideal, but usually still functional. One is our bedroom. There are always piles of clothes and a little bit of other misc, but we rarely have trouble walking...my how low the standards are... I'm working at reducing the clothing piles bit by bit, and if nothing else, maintaining them instead of making them bigger... It's slow going, but bite by bite it's coming along. There's one corner of my dresser that I saw almost every day for a week. (granted, it's gone now...but not for long!) It's not much, but it's something...and I'll take anything right now. It's coming along. And we make the bed almost every day, which is nice. It's like an oasis of clean and smooth...

Another room that's hit-or-miss is the kitchen. There are just some days when I plain old forget to do dishes. Other days, I am too busy or just undisciplined. In the winter, we could eat dinner there. In January, I felt like things were coming together. Somewhere in there, it all fell apart and I felt so overwhelmed that I couldn't even handle going into the kitchen. It was terrible...I felt terrible. I'm not sure when I decided to buck up and handle it, but it happened a few weeks ago maybe, and since then it's been a slow steady climb toward having my counter and table back. I realized the other day that it would take maybe 5 or 6 minutes to get it to the point where we could start eating dinner in there again. That's becomig important to me. It will happen, maybe in the next day or so even.

A couple of big but simple things need to happen for the rest of the house to come along. I have a pile of dresses that I need to find something to do with - old prom and bridesmaid dresses. As soon as they go off to consignment or charity land, and this old dresser set sells, I can arrange the guest room...which means that the guest room furniture can go into its room and out of my dining room, which means I will once again have access to my attic, which means that more sorting and settling and tossing can occur. It all depends on me deciding what to do with these dresses.

Then we can tackle the office. And after that, we can go back through what's in the attic and clear out even more.

A plan, see? A plan!

celebrating celebacy

I came across this and thought I'd share:

“A great way for both single men and women to celebrate their celibacy is by mentoring teens in their church or local community,” suggests Shannon Ethridge, author of the Every Woman’s Battle series. “Teach young people that they don’t need to have sex to be worthy of love. If anything, knowing how to have a healthy relationship without sexual involvement sets them up for faithfulness in future relationships—we all have to learn to say ‘no’ at some point. You will also help them avoid consequences that can negatively impact their lives such as unplanned pregnancy, STDs, infertility, low self-esteem, etc. As you pour wisdom into impressionable minds and realize what a difference these values could make in their lives, you’ll feel proud that you’ve made the commitment to celibacy and can be a great role model to others.”

Also, this:

“Celibate singles are free of encumbered relationships where they are unsure if someone really loves them for who they are or because they are participating in a sexual relationship,” explains Sean Covey, author of The 6 Most Important Decisions You’ll Ever Make in Life. “They don’t have to worry if someone is using them for sex because their relationship is not based upon the physical but upon true meaning and care. In particular, if you are a woman, you don’t have to wonder if he loves you just because of your body and because you are having sex with him. You can know that he is attracted to you not only physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually. This also applies to men, as well.”

When I chose abstinence, I did it for the wrong reasons (rejecting a culture that had been defined as 100% depraved, wanting to be 'holier' than everybody else). The quotes above, in my opinion, capture some of the RIGHT reasons.

best turkey ever

I just have to say. Yesterday we went over to Kyle's because he was making a turkey breast. He did it on the rotisserie on his grill. He basted it in this home-mixed herb butter.

It was amazing. Probably the best turkey I've ever had in my life, and I've had a lot of turkeys.

We sided it with some grilled asparagus (tossed in oil, kosher salt and pepper) and some wild rice.

Fresh strawberries for dessert. Oh, and some 'Reese's peanut butter cookies' from Kroger.

I say again, amazing. I don't want to eat anything now, because it will just be a disappointment.

waiting for....

Sometimes I feel stuck. like I'm treading water. like I'm waiting for something that's coming, but I don't know what it is and I don't know how long it'll take.

For a while, it was "after I move, I'll..." Then it was after the wedding. Then it was after I found a J-O-B.

Now, I've got it all. The house, that I'll be renting for at least the next 14 months. The supportive husband. The job. The stability. I have everything I thought I was waiting for.

I don't know why I still feel so stuck. And I'm tired, all the time. There is no inspiration or motivation or anything useful. I'm not sleeping well - something I'm used to when I'm anxious about something. But where's the anxiety now? What do I have to worry about?

I've been in this house since August. And yet, it feels like I just moved in. My artwork isn't hung. My clutter isn't sorted. My spare room isn't arranged. There are still boxes. Brian's just as unhappy about his office.

We finally have enough money not to worry, and I can even afford things like buying our FICO scores and Rescue Remedy for the dog. I can make doctor and dentist appointments. I can get my shoe fixed. We can get our suits and our wool coats cleaned. I can get some of my artwork framed or re-framed. I can set aside money for the car's 100,000 mile tune-up and STILL grow savings, if only just a little bit. Soon I'll be able to open a retirement account.

The things I don't want around are slowly going out the door. Not as quickly as I'd like, but leaving nonetheless. Sometimes they even leave cash in my hand! But why am I waiting until I "finish decluttering" to make my house beautiful? Why is all my artwork stacked along one wall until I'm ready to hang it? Why have I not yet felt ready to stop treading water and start moving forward?

I know a lot of people get stuck in ruts lasting much longer than 8 or 9 months. Some people get stuck for decades. I desperately don't want that to be me.

I feel happy right now. I feel really content. Things are going so well for us right now and I'm not scared of the future anymore. I'm also not so obsessed with the past. Stuff that used to bother me a lot just doesn't seem important now; I don't get overwhelmed as easily, either.

Maybe I lived in such a "can't act now" mentality long enough to make it hard to get going again. Maybe somewhere deep down, I'm scared that things could get just as bad, or worse. Sort of like the folks living in the Great Depression. Or could it be that I'm so used to being anxoius about the future that the fear is so deeply ingrained now that I don't even recognize it anymore?

I have nothing to be afraid of. I have more stability now than I've had in a long time. I even have a bit of a goal or a game plan - the next time we move, I want to take a lot less with us. Simple, yes? But shedding pounds and boxes of 'stuff' takes time and persistence and a steady hand.

I've spent the majority of my years dealing with something my mom once called 'emotional inconsistency.' In my world, it almost always felt like I was either heading into a storm, surviving it, or recovering from it. And the times when I didn't feel like I was in survival mode, I felt the way I do now...disoriented. It's almost like I don't know what to do when I'm not plodding along. I'm good at the grin-and-bear-it routine. I'm good at forcing myself to 'keep moving.' I just don't know how to run free, or even coast.

I LOVE this quietness, the simplicity, the ease of a daily routine with no major issues hounding me. It's just a foreign environment and I don't know how to fit in. So I feel stuck.

good news from the home front

for those of you wondering about the progress bobby frasor is making while rehabbing his knee, have no fear. seems like he's doing jusssssssssssst fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.