the turning point

In my line-a-day journal, I usually record the key points of the day. As I was reading through the day's entry from last year, I found the turning point in my stance on my marriage. I'd forgotten this moment -- something I could hardly believe after I read about it and then remembered. There was something inexplicable that my ex had done -- it was shocking and seemingly came out of nowhere and flew in complete contrast to the man he'd been before (and likely was also inconsistent with the man he presented himself as being).

Something in me broke, that moment. I knew he was different, and not in a good way, and I knew I needed to get away from him. I was stuck in a bog, sinking in quicksand, and I needed to escape the internal chaos and find some semblance of peace. Not long after, I asked my mom for a plane ticket to get me (and the baby) out of Denver for a few weeks, to clear my head and figure out exactly how to proceed. And by the time that month away was over, our marriage was over and I had two weeks to collect my things and find a new home.

That one little moment was hugely significant. I don't know how I ever forgot about it, but now that I've been reminded, it's not far from my consciousness. Maybe this isn't terribly uncommon, to block out the one thing that tips the scales and never think of it again. Or maybe most people actively remember the last straw, the specific moment when everything shifted.


  1. Memory is such an interesting thing. Sometimes my memory works too well - I wish I had one of those zappers from Men in Black. Yet there are also times where my memory protects me. I was with my college boyfriend for six years, and toward the end we were in a serious downward spiral. I went for walk with his Mom - why, I don't remember - but she really laid in to me. For the life of me to this day, I remember the conversation but not the specifics. I am quite grateful for this because I don't need to remember the hateful words she sprayed all over me. She did not think I was good enough for her son, and while she was entitled to such an opinion it was not fair for her to treat me that way. Perhaps it is okay that you had forgotten about that moment in your marriage - I think it was your memory's way of protecting you until you were ready to remember it again. Does this make any sense? Probably not - I am a big stress/anger ball right now. I just wanted you to know that your post resonated with me. I think of you and Gabriel often, hoping all is well!

    1. Thanks, Laurie! It does make sense, and you're probably right. One of my "coping mechanisms" is to forget -- like you said, I could remember the general impact of a hurtful conversation but not any of the actual things said. I'm sorry you're a stress/anger-ball right now. I hope new marriage and homeownership are going well for you, and D and Mr. Spike are doing well :)


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