So I have been awake for about an hour and a half now, and I have only just realized it's Friday.
This week has been endless. And not in the good way. Some good things happened and more good things are on the agenda, but I've had this overarching feeling of down for days now. And I feel bad about that.
The good: I went to knitting group. I played djembe at the Wednesday night service. I got a lot of stuff done. Last night was a fun book group meeting. This afternoon I am going to a quilt shop with one of the 'church ladies.' This evening we have dinner with friends. Tomorrow I am finally going to the mountains. I might even make it to the oil change place today!
But I couldn't help but feel like there's a grey cloud over my head this week. The problem is that there is some real discord in a relationship that is important to me. I feel like I'm drastically underestimated - I'm not getting a fair shot at being the good, caring person I know I am - I'm seen as the same person I was before I knew better. I have grown and made changes, but this person still chooses not to see that, still chooses to put me down and not to respect me. We've clashed. We've insulted. Wounds gape open. I've spent a lot of time crying and in prayer (I can't speak for the other person on this. I can only hope.)
This person is very valuable to me, and I've sacrificed a lot to keep our relationship going. I have grown a lot - especially lately. But the other person doesn't seem to see that, and I am having trouble seeing how (or even if) the other person has changed too. It's like we have hit a brick wall. I am frustrated, hurting, and so very discouraged. I don't know what to do. I want so much for things to improve, but I don't think the other person does. I think it's easier to dismiss people from your life when they challenge you to do better, be better, than it is to do the work of compromising, of self-evaluation -- of growing up. I feel like I have been dismissed - tossed aside - demeaned and belittled. Given up on. I don't like to give up on people like that. So it's hard to deal with being given up on.
If you've made it through my doom and gloom, I'd like to ask you to pray for me today. Pray for me to find compassion. Pray for me to be strong without being aggressive. Pray for me to have discernment as I move forward. Pray that God continues to work in this person, too, that their heart be softened toward me. Pray that humility would become part of our interactions. (And maybe pray for me not to cry so gosh darn much! I'm a crier, and it has worked to my detriment. Tears are weakness, in this person's eyes.)