no subject

'Time' has captured my attention, lately. I spend too much time thinking about how I should be spending my time. I reflect often about the 'eras' of my life, and how the way I think about time has shifted. Normal stuff - while I was in school, my 'years' were divided at the summer. After graduating in May, things went to crap for the second half of the year, and stayed in the crap for the following year. Now I'm noticing that transitions are happening around the same time that the calendar changes. Things were hellish in 2006. Things looked up in 2007. I'm beginning 2008 as a newlywed.

Good or bad, time scares me.

Time means change. And change is scary. Even good change. ESPECIALLY good change. I'm used to bad times. Bad times are comfortable to me. Dark clouds hang over my head a lot. And when things are dark, all you have to do is survive. It's easy to keep plugging away and hope for better days. Trudging your way through life is the easy part. At least, it is for me. I'm good at hope. I'm good at resilience and bolstering myself up. I'm good at toughing it out and making due.

It's when it's time for me to stand on my own two feet that I start to crumble. When I'm not so tightly constricted by life-sucking trauma, I get scared. It's time to move forward, not just survive. Progress is required. Proving myself is necessary. There's so much pressure involved. And the stakes are high. Very high. Too high.

This is the make-or-break time. When the efforts of the past 6 years of school and post-grad work turns into a real career. When I'm supposed to make the transition from eating pasta every night, to being able to invest in a retirement account. (After all, the sooner the better on that thing.) Take care of the house. Take care of the husband, who is in school. Take care of the dog. He needs his heartworm preventative prescription, and that costs about 60 dollars too many. Bring in enough to turn the heater higher than 60 degrees. Find a job that pays enough to get you to the next level, and find it yesterday.