Recently I have been learning about the inordinate amounts of pressure I put on myself to be the right thing, know the right thing, do the right thing...and if I can't, to shut up and stop trying. Sometimes I don't even try. With writing, this is no different.
Writing. Writing! For its own merit, and not for selfish (though necessary) purposes. Instead, because I have things that I am pondering. Because I have things I want to share. Because I want to interact in a thoughtful, interesting way, that doesn't dry my throat out.
Because I miss the feeling I get when my thoughts take on characteristics, draw themselves out like a map on a blank white space. The satisfaction, the resolution. The evidence. The risk. The record.
I didn't write, for what feels like a long time. I was injured. I wasn't capable of writing the way I was used to. And even when I was physically able to start writing again, I felt so rusty, out of touch, unpracticed, and limited, that I hardly tried.
Every now and then things would require me to write. Work. A break-up. Therapy. Even just an overwhelming desire to try to be whoever it was that I used to be. I've spent a lot of the past year or so emerging from what was for me a dark, scary time, and grieving the loss of who I was and where I thought I was going. I don't claim to have a fantastically dramatic story. Everybody has a burden, though, and I've spent the past while adjusting to a piece of mine. Sometimes it felt heavier than I could handle. And to cope, I turned inward. To remember, to forget, to heal.
And now! And now. Here i am! I'm back. Alive and well, happy and scared, lost and inextricably caught up at the same time. I don't have everything I ever wanted - I was wanting the wrong things. But I do have everything I need, for now - and a few extras that make every day sparkle. I know what it feels like to receive support from people who love me. I have a boyfriend and a dog, I'm moving to a new city, and soon I'll be starting a new job (that I haven't found yet). This is a whole new beginning.
I'm so excited!
