So I have been awake for about an hour and a half now, and I have only just realized it's Friday.
This week has been endless. And not in the good way. Some good things happened and more good things are on the agenda, but I've had this overarching feeling of down for days now. And I feel bad about that.
The good: I went to knitting group. I played djembe at the Wednesday night service. I got a lot of stuff done. Last night was a fun book group meeting. This afternoon I am going to a quilt shop with one of the 'church ladies.' This evening we have dinner with friends. Tomorrow I am finally going to the mountains. I might even make it to the oil change place today!
But I couldn't help but feel like there's a grey cloud over my head this week. The problem is that there is some real discord in a relationship that is important to me. I feel like I'm drastically underestimated - I'm not getting a fair shot at being the good, caring person I know I am - I'm seen as the same person I was before I knew better. I have grown and made changes, but this person still chooses not to see that, still chooses to put me down and not to respect me. We've clashed. We've insulted. Wounds gape open. I've spent a lot of time crying and in prayer (I can't speak for the other person on this. I can only hope.)
This person is very valuable to me, and I've sacrificed a lot to keep our relationship going. I have grown a lot - especially lately. But the other person doesn't seem to see that, and I am having trouble seeing how (or even if) the other person has changed too. It's like we have hit a brick wall. I am frustrated, hurting, and so very discouraged. I don't know what to do. I want so much for things to improve, but I don't think the other person does. I think it's easier to dismiss people from your life when they challenge you to do better, be better, than it is to do the work of compromising, of self-evaluation -- of growing up. I feel like I have been dismissed - tossed aside - demeaned and belittled. Given up on. I don't like to give up on people like that. So it's hard to deal with being given up on.
If you've made it through my doom and gloom, I'd like to ask you to pray for me today. Pray for me to find compassion. Pray for me to be strong without being aggressive. Pray for me to have discernment as I move forward. Pray that God continues to work in this person, too, that their heart be softened toward me. Pray that humility would become part of our interactions. (And maybe pray for me not to cry so gosh darn much! I'm a crier, and it has worked to my detriment. Tears are weakness, in this person's eyes.)
Thank you.
Ashley,
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you're hurting so much. I've prayed for you, your friendship, and the other person. Take care.
OH!Ashley, tears are NOT a sign of weakness at all, if so, then I'm the weakest person on the face of the earth! Tears are such good therapy and they are a window to the soul. I always feel so much better after a good cry, it's like a cleansing. I will be prayer for you and mostly that you will just find God's perfect peace regardless of what ends up happening in the situation. Blessings to you!
ReplyDeletePraying for you and cheering you on. I know too well that relationships can be a lot of stress and work at times... unfortunately, I tend to give up at times like those. Keep taking it to God - He will bring you through!
ReplyDeleteTears have nothing to do with weakness! They actually show that you are strong enough to share your emotions - it's not easy to put yourself out there like that and admit that you're feeling something.
ReplyDeleteI know how it feels to be in this sort of situation, at least to an extent. And I hate to say this, especially seeing as how I don't know you or the specifics - but sometimes you really have to move on. You can't force someone to see things your way. Sad but true.
Either way, I'm praying for you!
Ashley,
ReplyDeleteIt does sound as if you have gone above and beyond in this relationship. Sometimes it does take great strength to move on, but it might be what is best. (I realize I do not know you or the situation, so feel free to ignore my unasked for advice!) I know you said this person has been important in your life, but people change, and life changes. Your worth has nothing to do with what a person thinks of you. That's one of the perks of being a Christian! :)
Hope your weekend brings some sunshine.
Ashley,
ReplyDeleteIt does sound as if you have gone above and beyond in this relationship. Sometimes it does take great strength to move on, but it might be what is best. (I realize I do not know you or the situation, so feel free to ignore my unasked for advice!) I know you said this person has been important in your life, but people change, and life changes. Your worth has nothing to do with what a person thinks of you. That's one of the perks of being a Christian! :)
Hope your weekend brings some sunshine.
Oh dear sweet Ashley,
ReplyDeleteI just have to say I understand. I have lost many really close friends through the years. Mostly because they have gone through really hard trials and I was thier confidante at the time. Sometimes when this happens they drift away. I have learned that God has put certain people in your life for a season. And so the advice that I have is to lean on our Savior and ask for peace. And, if indeed the season is over you will receive peace. Why don't you come over to my blog today. I left coffee...no sweet tea and a little something there that might cheer you up. It was something God gave me yesterday. I needed some cheering up.
Praying you have a Blessed Weekend.
Sherry
I completely understand, having recently gone through a season very similar. Know that God places people in your life for a reason...and sometimes for only a season and the time comes for one of you to move on. It can sting, and it can be frustrating when you know you did everything to salvage things. Keep your eyes on Him and trust Him to surround you with people who encourage and edify you.
ReplyDeleteAshley,
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches to hear your hurt. If we were closer, I would come give you a hug;). As I was reading your post, I was praying for you and God urged me to share my heart's prayer this week.
I was studying Proverbs 16:9- In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.
"Lord, give me sure steps. Set me on YOUR course for my life."- So, Ashley, I am praying that prayer for you. -Lord, give her sure steps. Guide her to your peace. Reconcile her to your Will for this relationship whatever that may be. Comfort my friend. Hold her...and Lord, make her feel safe to mourn her friendship with you, so that she may approach her friend with a clear mind and heart. Amen-
Hugs and love to you my friend,
Cari
And...oh, by the way...I tears are a sign of strength of spirit...it takes a strong person to be willing to be open and vulnerable enough to show true emotion...*snif* Now...where are my tissues?...:)
ReplyDeletePraying for you today! I hope you can find some peace and clarity in the situation.
ReplyDeleteAlso know that, I truly believe that there are times that,once you have done all you can do, it is time to just let go. Maybe God will restore the friendship and maybe He has something even better for you. Sometimes we are so busy hanging on to what we think is good that we don't even realize God is trying to give us what is best!
Blessings this weekend!
Oh Ashley - it's so hard when relationships are "off"! Women are so relationship oriented, and it can be really discouraging when some things are out of discord. Praying with you and praying that your iron and their iron does indeed "sharpen" one another through this time.
ReplyDeleteAshley, I'm late in visiting...but I might guess that I'm not too late to pray. I've been in similar situations and it hurts so much. The Lord may restore your friendship or it may be one of those that you have to distance yourself from. A true friend will believe the best and hope for the best in you, not choose to belittle you and disregard your growth. You are precious to the Lord and to many people...please don't waste energy trying to prove yourself to someone who does not treasure the beautiful woman that you are. Ask the Lord for the grace to be kind and sincere, but not get sucked into an unhealthy situation. I don't mean to sound harsh, not at all...esp since I don't know your situation.
ReplyDeleteTo me tears are a sign of a tender heart....and when you lose that, you lose compassion and become bitter. Tears are good for the soul, but I think you will find the courage to dry them and face whatever happens with grace and strength.
Hang in there...and we will be praying for you. Company Girls got your back :)