one year later

I wrote all of this a year ago, the day after I saw my ex-fiance, also the day before I moved to be with my now-husband. June 8th, 2007, to be exact.

It's not really very interesting, unless you're me.




i have updates for you
adam-related....
no drama
just some real hardcore solid closure stuff
and for some reason i'm really sad now
i think the sad is more of leaving work, tho
(today was my last day)
this morning adam imed me
he wanted to have 'the closure talk'
i didn't get it at first... but eventually i did so let my guard down
it went fine, ended well
we apologized for what we did wrong last year and wished each other luck in the future, that sort of thing
(ps im getting married way sooner than he is )
not that it's a race or anything
but still
anyway
so i was all weirded out and thinky about that this morning
and then it was my last day of work
and i spent the last 2 hours sorta zoned out and thinking about everything that's happened to me since i started there
all the weird stuff that went down at work and outside of work
i was sooooo different
when i started at cai i was living at home, engaged, going to state... concussion-free
in this really tumultuous relationship
and mom and i were fighting all the time
just recently graduated
it feels soooooo far away
i don't know why i'm crying
i cried the whole last hour there and the whole way home
it's like
wow... everything is over
everything is different
i am completely removed from that whole situation
i can look back now and remember the good times
and see them as the good times...
not big fat lies, you know, or like,
bad
and i don't know why but it makes me cry
come sunday, i'm going to be in a new city, in a new state
no job... new relationship
ENTIRELY different future ahead of me than the one i had in mind 2 years ago
today feels really... big
i feel like i've really put adam away now
like, sealed the book, stuck it on the top shelf to collect dust and maybe be reopened down the road
and that's good!
but why does it make me sad
before, it felt over...
like, the road was blocked and there was no entry
now it feels like i'm on a whole different map
do you think it's normal?
i'm like, weeping and sobbing over here
it feels SO final
i feel like i'm in mourning
maybe i am
i don't know what, tho
maybe this is my real step into adulthood?
putting away my 'childhood' or youth or .. something
time to grow up
i'm not mourning adam or losing that relationship
maybe it's the process
that makes me cry
hell, maybe it's just the CHANGE
(oh...i say hell now, sometimes)
i miss brian... so much
i love him so much
i'm glad he's not here this weekend, tho... i'm glad i have a couple days to process this by myself
'mysteries of a woman's heart' or something like that
well...time to wrap it up
i'm off to see BUS
tomorrow is transition day
sunday, i move up to richmond




james joyce wrote in stream-of-consciousness - but to my knowledge, all of his work was fiction. it was crafted and labored over and polished. i admire what he was able to craft. what i might admire more, though, is if he wrote his own thoughts, and if they were as effective in communicating or teaching or exemplifying what it is when we chew the fat in our own minds.

tonight i faced a blank page. it was an eager vessel for all the ideas and emotions and untelligible feelings to congregate on my brow ridge, teleport to the back of my hands, and then sort themselves out at 93 words per minute. tomorrow, i will be changed.