I'm working on other post ideas, but as it stands, the first post of 2008 will be comprised of borrowed words. Props to Jason Boyett, author of Things You Should Know By Now.
The thing is, lately I've been struggling a little bit with the concept of faith. I seem to have been caught up in a couple of factors, including sleep deprivation, heightened anxiety, and a postmodern culture. My faith is something that I value, but I don't always trust. I can't seem to beat off all the doubts that creep up on the low days. Sometimes I feel buoyed in my faith, other times I just try to ignore it because I'm not really sure. The bottom line is, though, that I always come back to God. Jesus, I have my issues with. Christians, I have my issues with. Spiritual advisers and leaders and and authorities and teachers, I have my issues with. But God, in my Judeo-Christian understanding of him, and in some part through the assistants of particular people who also have faith in him, has never let me down.
I'm going to paste a portion of the epilogue of the aforementioned book. I think the author was a few years older than I am now when he published the book, but all of his words still apply to me now.
"I believe in God. He knows me, too.
At times it can be a difficult belief, one that doesn't come as easily to me as it did when I was younger. It's challenged on a daily basis by the injustice of our fellow humans and the ridiculousness of the religious, by the prevalence of unmitigated evil and uninhibited disaster. Ten years ago, my faith was the simple assurance that the Judeo-Christian Jehovah, as revealed in the person of Christ, was and is absolutely real. Today, on a good day, I still hold to that. But on a bad day? On a bad dayfaith for me is living as if God's real, but ... wondering.
Mine is a limping, bandaged version of Christianity, one that is more likely to wince at the weirdness of my faith than embrace it. I cringe at the Falwells and Robertsons. I groan at the Left Behinds. Im not amused by American Christianity's rising irrelevance, its gradual movement to the fringes of culture while, nevertheless, attempting to appropriate the music and entertainment and marketing strategies and political tactics of that very culture for its own use. I'm no fan of the way we try to impose man's structures on God, because I seriously doubt hes just a glorified, holy version of the white republican male. Im tired of the bull-headed dogmatism of the evangelical church and its increasingly misguided priorities (Like focusing too intently on political issues like school prayer, social issues like homosexuality, or eschatological issues like the second coming - at the expense of immediate needs like hunger and poverty.) - but despite the baggage, the Christian church is a foundational part of my life.
It's flawed and ugly and, often, just plain wrong. The thing is, so am I.
Thats why the church remains my home. Its where I live."
1.06.2008
1.04.2008
no subject
'Time' has captured my attention, lately. I spend too much time thinking about how I should be spending my time. I reflect often about the 'eras' of my life, and how the way I think about time has shifted. Normal stuff - while I was in school, my 'years' were divided at the summer. After graduating in May, things went to crap for the second half of the year, and stayed in the crap for the following year. Now I'm noticing that transitions are happening around the same time that the calendar changes. Things were hellish in 2006. Things looked up in 2007. I'm beginning 2008 as a newlywed.
Good or bad, time scares me.
Time means change. And change is scary. Even good change. ESPECIALLY good change. I'm used to bad times. Bad times are comfortable to me. Dark clouds hang over my head a lot. And when things are dark, all you have to do is survive. It's easy to keep plugging away and hope for better days. Trudging your way through life is the easy part. At least, it is for me. I'm good at hope. I'm good at resilience and bolstering myself up. I'm good at toughing it out and making due.
It's when it's time for me to stand on my own two feet that I start to crumble. When I'm not so tightly constricted by life-sucking trauma, I get scared. It's time to move forward, not just survive. Progress is required. Proving myself is necessary. There's so much pressure involved. And the stakes are high. Very high. Too high.
This is the make-or-break time. When the efforts of the past 6 years of school and post-grad work turns into a real career. When I'm supposed to make the transition from eating pasta every night, to being able to invest in a retirement account. (After all, the sooner the better on that thing.) Take care of the house. Take care of the husband, who is in school. Take care of the dog. He needs his heartworm preventative prescription, and that costs about 60 dollars too many. Bring in enough to turn the heater higher than 60 degrees. Find a job that pays enough to get you to the next level, and find it yesterday.
Good or bad, time scares me.
Time means change. And change is scary. Even good change. ESPECIALLY good change. I'm used to bad times. Bad times are comfortable to me. Dark clouds hang over my head a lot. And when things are dark, all you have to do is survive. It's easy to keep plugging away and hope for better days. Trudging your way through life is the easy part. At least, it is for me. I'm good at hope. I'm good at resilience and bolstering myself up. I'm good at toughing it out and making due.
It's when it's time for me to stand on my own two feet that I start to crumble. When I'm not so tightly constricted by life-sucking trauma, I get scared. It's time to move forward, not just survive. Progress is required. Proving myself is necessary. There's so much pressure involved. And the stakes are high. Very high. Too high.
This is the make-or-break time. When the efforts of the past 6 years of school and post-grad work turns into a real career. When I'm supposed to make the transition from eating pasta every night, to being able to invest in a retirement account. (After all, the sooner the better on that thing.) Take care of the house. Take care of the husband, who is in school. Take care of the dog. He needs his heartworm preventative prescription, and that costs about 60 dollars too many. Bring in enough to turn the heater higher than 60 degrees. Find a job that pays enough to get you to the next level, and find it yesterday.
12.06.2007
feel like typing
As 2007 comes to an end
1) Where did you begin 2007?
ocean isle with friends
2) What was your status by Valentine's Day?
completely in love after like 2 weeks
3) Were you in school (anytime this year)?
spring semester, yes
4) How did you earn your money?
CAI! and later, various temp placements.
5) Did you have to go to the hospital?
not that i remember...
6) Did you have any encounters with the police?
actually yes, four. one was Officer Dave, who was talking at the neighborhood meeting and gave me a Club for the car. one was with these two officers who were trying to figure out if the guy across the street was dead and rotting in his house. one was the cop who accompanied the tow truck that tried to take my car away. and actually, that other one was a state trooper. so i'm not counting that.
7) Where did you go on a holiday?
richmond, before i moved up. new york a couple times. boston, for a funeral. and a couple weekend trips down to NC.
8) What did you purchase that was over $1000?
bedroom furniture! and, umm....... well, my rent is 950...that's a lot too.
9) Did you know anybody who got married?
yes, actually, my husband got married this year
10) Did you know anybody who passed away?
at least two. and they were old.
12) Did you move anywhere?
to virgnia
14) What concerts/shows did you go to?
i went to some opera thing at dook, i think that was this year.
15) Are you registered to vote?
not where i live...
16) Who did you want to win Big Brother?
big brother is lame!
17) Where do you live now?
virginia
18) Describe your birthday?
brian was sequestered off in indiana. he was really sweet, tho, and came into town as soon as he could :) it was a good, low-key birthday.
19) What's one thing you thought you'd never do but did in 2007?
get married! that is, i didn't expect going into 2007 that i would be coming out of it married.
20) What has been your favorite moment?
'you may now kiss your bride'
21) What's something you learned about yourself?
i'm not a very good housekeeper but i'm a pretty good cook
22) Any new additions to your family?
a whole slew of in-laws
23.) What was your best month?
all of them! except maybe for january. even october was surprisingly not heinous.
24.) What music will you remember 2007 by?
'one bourbon, one scotch, and one beer'
25) Who has been your best drinking buddy?
brian and kyle
26) Made new friends?
a couple!
27) New best friend?
yes :)
28) Favorite Night out?
quiet dinner with my new husband at il palio, after a long, loud, people-filled, activity-filled, celebration-filled day
1) Where did you begin 2007?
ocean isle with friends
2) What was your status by Valentine's Day?
completely in love after like 2 weeks
3) Were you in school (anytime this year)?
spring semester, yes
4) How did you earn your money?
CAI! and later, various temp placements.
5) Did you have to go to the hospital?
not that i remember...
6) Did you have any encounters with the police?
actually yes, four. one was Officer Dave, who was talking at the neighborhood meeting and gave me a Club for the car. one was with these two officers who were trying to figure out if the guy across the street was dead and rotting in his house. one was the cop who accompanied the tow truck that tried to take my car away. and actually, that other one was a state trooper. so i'm not counting that.
7) Where did you go on a holiday?
richmond, before i moved up. new york a couple times. boston, for a funeral. and a couple weekend trips down to NC.
8) What did you purchase that was over $1000?
bedroom furniture! and, umm....... well, my rent is 950...that's a lot too.
9) Did you know anybody who got married?
yes, actually, my husband got married this year
10) Did you know anybody who passed away?
at least two. and they were old.
12) Did you move anywhere?
to virgnia
14) What concerts/shows did you go to?
i went to some opera thing at dook, i think that was this year.
15) Are you registered to vote?
not where i live...
16) Who did you want to win Big Brother?
big brother is lame!
17) Where do you live now?
virginia
18) Describe your birthday?
brian was sequestered off in indiana. he was really sweet, tho, and came into town as soon as he could :) it was a good, low-key birthday.
19) What's one thing you thought you'd never do but did in 2007?
get married! that is, i didn't expect going into 2007 that i would be coming out of it married.
20) What has been your favorite moment?
'you may now kiss your bride'
21) What's something you learned about yourself?
i'm not a very good housekeeper but i'm a pretty good cook
22) Any new additions to your family?
a whole slew of in-laws
23.) What was your best month?
all of them! except maybe for january. even october was surprisingly not heinous.
24.) What music will you remember 2007 by?
'one bourbon, one scotch, and one beer'
25) Who has been your best drinking buddy?
brian and kyle
26) Made new friends?
a couple!
27) New best friend?
yes :)
28) Favorite Night out?
quiet dinner with my new husband at il palio, after a long, loud, people-filled, activity-filled, celebration-filled day
my one dog is barking
Eli is being gruff with me, and I'm not sure why.
Actually, I went and checked to see why he was being gruff, and it's because his water dish is empty. I keep having to refill that durn thing multiple times a day. Eli's a pretty thirsty pup, you see, and his current water dish has a big chunk missing out of the side, so there's only room for one meal's worth of water in the bowl before it would start spilling out.
Memo to the Universe: Eli needs a new water dish. A matching food dish would be swell, because matchy-matchy is grand. And, uh, Universe, cat dishes are much better for this little dog because he doesn't like to have to reach over the edge of a tall bowl to get to his food. Collar tags clinking the ceramic and all. Very startling.
Actually, I went and checked to see why he was being gruff, and it's because his water dish is empty. I keep having to refill that durn thing multiple times a day. Eli's a pretty thirsty pup, you see, and his current water dish has a big chunk missing out of the side, so there's only room for one meal's worth of water in the bowl before it would start spilling out.
Memo to the Universe: Eli needs a new water dish. A matching food dish would be swell, because matchy-matchy is grand. And, uh, Universe, cat dishes are much better for this little dog because he doesn't like to have to reach over the edge of a tall bowl to get to his food. Collar tags clinking the ceramic and all. Very startling.
10.29.2007
the extreme hotness
I just want to take this opportunity to inform you all of my latest endeavor to score cool points with the boy.
See for yourself.
This is Brian, the Other to my Significant. He is behind the wheel of a car. But not just any car...
Can you tell what it is?
Does this help? I admit my "car photography" skillz are a bit lacking.
What about this? That's gotta help some, at least...
Well anyway. I'll just tell you the story.
Saturday was a weird day. We both got up and decided to spend the morning moving some things from Brian's dorm room over to the house, to get a head-start on moving him in so that it's not what we're spending the majority of Thanksgiving break doing. Smart us!! Anyway, so we did that, got good and weary, got some irritating Taco Bell (with a coupon! We are coupon fiends!!) and came over to the house to watch a movie and take a break. We ended up taking more of a break than expected, as Brian passed out for a long winter's nap. I was wide awake, though, and bored out of my head, and NOT wanting to do anything housework-wise. So I called my friend Kyle.
Here's the scoop on Kyle. He works for a used car company of sorts. He has access to cars that, for whatever reason, this company won't sell in stores or at auction. This means he can get good cars for cheap, and re-sell them a little while later. His first venture, a BMW Z4, was a moderate success, as best I can tell. His second venture was a 1992 Dodge Viper. The Viper also happens to be Brian's favorite car.
We've known for a while now that Kyle would be temporarily acquiring said vehicle. Brian didn't know WHEN said acquisition was going down, though. But because I'm the girl with the sweet hookups, I knew what was going on. And the previous Tuesday, Kyle and I had conspired.
So, back to Saturday. I was bored. Brian was sleeping. The weather was perfect. And, Kyle wasn't doing anything! I left Brian the sweetest note I could muster, whose placement managed to wake him (curses)! I then went to pick up Kyle, drive him downtown to the (locked! abandoned!) parking deck where the Viper was, illegally park my car, find entry to the deck, uncover the red 10-v beast, and (once again, illegally) sneak out of the deck via tailing someone in possession of a key card through the gate.
My car wasn't towed, which was a good thing. The bad thing was, Brian never really got back to sleep from his nap. Which meant that he then wandered the house, bored and alone, noticing all the housework I'd failed to catch up on. He called me to see what I was up to...I couldn't really give a good answer. No good He discovered that I had taken the yet-unloaded car full of his stuff; he also discovered that I had taken the keys to the OTHER car, so if he were to be going anywhere, it would be on foot. Fine, he thought to himself. It's a fine day for some playtime with Eli over at the seminary. Brian then discovered that Eli's leash was missing, probably in the car sitting in the driveway with no mode of friendly entrance. In his re-telling of the story, I sensed some frustration.
Meanwhile, I was stoked. Kyle and I were plotting. I had this big surprise in the works for Brian. And when I'm trying to pull off a plot, I get giddy. And relatively useless. I had to keep giving Brian non-answers that made not even an iota of sense. But I hoped the cherry-red surprise would make up for my being a dork, a spaz, and a weirdo all in one. I pulled up to the house, ready to get him to rush outdoors just in time for Kyle to cruise past. But...no Brian! He, and Eli, were not to be found. I assumed they were on a walk.
I called Brian, and I was right. They were at the seminary, and did I know there was a wedding going on? After a few inane phone calls, Kyle and I came up with Plan B and headed over there. Stealth was critical, though, so I had to find out exactly where Brian was, via a lame 'my toe hurts and I don't want to walk too far so just tell me where you are so I can park closest to there' excuse. I sense frustration in his retelling THIS part of the story, too. But in all seriousness, I totally ravaged my toe on a heartless corner.
ANYWAY. after a few last-second U-turns and another flub or two on my part, Brian spots the car. Kyle, like the champ that he is, pulls over to where we are. The boys do that boy thing where they stand around admiring tires and poking at the engine and stuff. And then Kyle says the magic words - "so do you want to go for a ride?"
And off we went, the guys in the Viper and me tagging behind, assuring them a ride home after the car was to be put to bed.
It's mighty difficult wielding a camera the size of mine whilst traveling down the highway.
To be continued...
See for yourself.
This is Brian, the Other to my Significant. He is behind the wheel of a car. But not just any car...
Can you tell what it is?
Does this help? I admit my "car photography" skillz are a bit lacking.
What about this? That's gotta help some, at least...
Well anyway. I'll just tell you the story.
Saturday was a weird day. We both got up and decided to spend the morning moving some things from Brian's dorm room over to the house, to get a head-start on moving him in so that it's not what we're spending the majority of Thanksgiving break doing. Smart us!! Anyway, so we did that, got good and weary, got some irritating Taco Bell (with a coupon! We are coupon fiends!!) and came over to the house to watch a movie and take a break. We ended up taking more of a break than expected, as Brian passed out for a long winter's nap. I was wide awake, though, and bored out of my head, and NOT wanting to do anything housework-wise. So I called my friend Kyle.
Here's the scoop on Kyle. He works for a used car company of sorts. He has access to cars that, for whatever reason, this company won't sell in stores or at auction. This means he can get good cars for cheap, and re-sell them a little while later. His first venture, a BMW Z4, was a moderate success, as best I can tell. His second venture was a 1992 Dodge Viper. The Viper also happens to be Brian's favorite car.
We've known for a while now that Kyle would be temporarily acquiring said vehicle. Brian didn't know WHEN said acquisition was going down, though. But because I'm the girl with the sweet hookups, I knew what was going on. And the previous Tuesday, Kyle and I had conspired.
So, back to Saturday. I was bored. Brian was sleeping. The weather was perfect. And, Kyle wasn't doing anything! I left Brian the sweetest note I could muster, whose placement managed to wake him (curses)! I then went to pick up Kyle, drive him downtown to the (locked! abandoned!) parking deck where the Viper was, illegally park my car, find entry to the deck, uncover the red 10-v beast, and (once again, illegally) sneak out of the deck via tailing someone in possession of a key card through the gate.
My car wasn't towed, which was a good thing. The bad thing was, Brian never really got back to sleep from his nap. Which meant that he then wandered the house, bored and alone, noticing all the housework I'd failed to catch up on. He called me to see what I was up to...I couldn't really give a good answer. No good He discovered that I had taken the yet-unloaded car full of his stuff; he also discovered that I had taken the keys to the OTHER car, so if he were to be going anywhere, it would be on foot. Fine, he thought to himself. It's a fine day for some playtime with Eli over at the seminary. Brian then discovered that Eli's leash was missing, probably in the car sitting in the driveway with no mode of friendly entrance. In his re-telling of the story, I sensed some frustration.
Meanwhile, I was stoked. Kyle and I were plotting. I had this big surprise in the works for Brian. And when I'm trying to pull off a plot, I get giddy. And relatively useless. I had to keep giving Brian non-answers that made not even an iota of sense. But I hoped the cherry-red surprise would make up for my being a dork, a spaz, and a weirdo all in one. I pulled up to the house, ready to get him to rush outdoors just in time for Kyle to cruise past. But...no Brian! He, and Eli, were not to be found. I assumed they were on a walk.
I called Brian, and I was right. They were at the seminary, and did I know there was a wedding going on? After a few inane phone calls, Kyle and I came up with Plan B and headed over there. Stealth was critical, though, so I had to find out exactly where Brian was, via a lame 'my toe hurts and I don't want to walk too far so just tell me where you are so I can park closest to there' excuse. I sense frustration in his retelling THIS part of the story, too. But in all seriousness, I totally ravaged my toe on a heartless corner.
ANYWAY. after a few last-second U-turns and another flub or two on my part, Brian spots the car. Kyle, like the champ that he is, pulls over to where we are. The boys do that boy thing where they stand around admiring tires and poking at the engine and stuff. And then Kyle says the magic words - "so do you want to go for a ride?"
And off we went, the guys in the Viper and me tagging behind, assuring them a ride home after the car was to be put to bed.
It's mighty difficult wielding a camera the size of mine whilst traveling down the highway.
To be continued...
10.18.2007
this is the hedonist in me
Yesterday I left work a little later than I would have liked to. I was going straight home, looking forward to an evening of assembling invitations and being without Brian. I had my McDonalds happy meal in the passenger seat (with the fries mostly intact) and my mind was elsewhere. Or, more likely, nowhere.
I felt a little blue inside, thanks to the disastrous home-unmaking effects of a days-long long to-do list and evenings that are far too short. I was completely zoned out and, back in the recesses of my mind, hoping to find an oasis somewhere along the Boulevard.
I approached an intersection framed by large old oak trees, backed by a wide open sky. It was nearly twilight - the sun was almost set. In its decline, it was sending off invisible rays that bounced off all kinds of wisps and feathers and splotches of the most transient of cloud formations. The white had turned to a brilliant bright orange. The slowly darkening, sleepy periwinkle sky had touches of bright orange light, smeared here and there and all over.
It looked like the sky was on fire.
What a cool God who would let me live on a planet where this kind of remarkable thing happens only rarely enough for me to appreciate it.
I felt a little blue inside, thanks to the disastrous home-unmaking effects of a days-long long to-do list and evenings that are far too short. I was completely zoned out and, back in the recesses of my mind, hoping to find an oasis somewhere along the Boulevard.
I approached an intersection framed by large old oak trees, backed by a wide open sky. It was nearly twilight - the sun was almost set. In its decline, it was sending off invisible rays that bounced off all kinds of wisps and feathers and splotches of the most transient of cloud formations. The white had turned to a brilliant bright orange. The slowly darkening, sleepy periwinkle sky had touches of bright orange light, smeared here and there and all over.
It looked like the sky was on fire.
What a cool God who would let me live on a planet where this kind of remarkable thing happens only rarely enough for me to appreciate it.
10.09.2007
at least looking at the saddle again...
Hi, my name is: Ashley
but you can call me: whatever you want.
Never in my life have I: felt like I knew where I was going.
The one person who can drive me nuts is: [censored]
My high school is/was: (was) fine, I guess...it could have been a lot worse.
When I’m nervous: my stomach gets really heavy and my ears ring and my hands shake.
The last song I listened to was: on the KPAX soundtrack
My hair is: finally doing what I want it to do on a regular basis, but very much needing to be trimmed.
When I was 4: I started having nightmares about the Cat in the Hat. Actually, that's not true, those didn't start until I was about 6...
Last Christmas: I was miserable, but ok with it.
I should be: working...but I feel awful.
When I look down: I get dizzy. Note to self: don't move head too fast.
The happiest recent event was: my bridal shower in Concord.
By this time next year: I desperately hope to have a "real job."
My current gripe is: I'm poor! I need furniture! and I'm sore, too...stupid virus.
I have a hard time understanding: why nobody wants to hire me for a job that I'd actually like to do.
There’s these girls: ....so not getting this one...
If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: Brian. that's probably a no-brainer.
I want to buy: FURNITURE! oh my lord I need a few key pieces of furniture...
Where do you plan to visit: nowhere out of the ordinary any time soon... next 'trip' is to Hershey in November...
If you spent the night at my house: I'd let you use the box fan.
The world could do without: another ice age. just my opinion.
Most recent thing I’ve bought myself: a calendar planner thinger.
Most recent thing someone else bought me: truckloads of stuff off the registry!!
My middle name is: Marie
In the morning I: let the dog out, make the bed, and proceed to the bathroom.
Last night I was: feeling not-so-hot...
There’s this guy I know who: keeps coming over to my house and eating my food and driving my car....
If I was an animal I’d be a: dog. a small one. that did cute tricks and got lots of treats.
A better name for me would be: Jill.
Tomorrow I am: training the new girl.
Tonight I am: doing some of the house/wedding work that I didn't do yesterday...
My birthday is: April 17.
but you can call me: whatever you want.
Never in my life have I: felt like I knew where I was going.
The one person who can drive me nuts is: [censored]
My high school is/was: (was) fine, I guess...it could have been a lot worse.
When I’m nervous: my stomach gets really heavy and my ears ring and my hands shake.
The last song I listened to was: on the KPAX soundtrack
My hair is: finally doing what I want it to do on a regular basis, but very much needing to be trimmed.
When I was 4: I started having nightmares about the Cat in the Hat. Actually, that's not true, those didn't start until I was about 6...
Last Christmas: I was miserable, but ok with it.
I should be: working...but I feel awful.
When I look down: I get dizzy. Note to self: don't move head too fast.
The happiest recent event was: my bridal shower in Concord.
By this time next year: I desperately hope to have a "real job."
My current gripe is: I'm poor! I need furniture! and I'm sore, too...stupid virus.
I have a hard time understanding: why nobody wants to hire me for a job that I'd actually like to do.
There’s these girls: ....so not getting this one...
If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: Brian. that's probably a no-brainer.
I want to buy: FURNITURE! oh my lord I need a few key pieces of furniture...
Where do you plan to visit: nowhere out of the ordinary any time soon... next 'trip' is to Hershey in November...
If you spent the night at my house: I'd let you use the box fan.
The world could do without: another ice age. just my opinion.
Most recent thing I’ve bought myself: a calendar planner thinger.
Most recent thing someone else bought me: truckloads of stuff off the registry!!
My middle name is: Marie
In the morning I: let the dog out, make the bed, and proceed to the bathroom.
Last night I was: feeling not-so-hot...
There’s this guy I know who: keeps coming over to my house and eating my food and driving my car....
If I was an animal I’d be a: dog. a small one. that did cute tricks and got lots of treats.
A better name for me would be: Jill.
Tomorrow I am: training the new girl.
Tonight I am: doing some of the house/wedding work that I didn't do yesterday...
My birthday is: April 17.
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